Therapy
by WritingsOfAnObsessedFangirl
Summary: Based off a gifset from Tumblr. A therapy session between Maura and Dr. Chapman reveals how Maura feels about Jane. Maura may have come to terms with how she feels, but Jane hasn't, and she's still engaged to Casey. What happens after Maura confesses to Jane what she told Dr. Chapman? Watch as Jane and Maura face their demons and try to figure out where they stand with each other.
1. The Love of My Life

**A/N: I was inspired to write this after seeing a gifset on tumblr. I actually posted this on my sideblog on there, but thought I would post it here, too. This was written for just a couple of my friends but I figured I'd post it and see what happened. I don't own Rizzoli and Isles. Trust me. I also typed this on my phone and no one proof read or anything so it is what it is. I hope you enjoy!**

** post/57459264709/au-in-which-maura-goes-to-therapy   
**

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Her heart hammered in her chest and her breathing became shallow and erratic as she looked around the room, shifting uncomfortably as her nerves made her entire body break out in a cold sweat. She uncrossed her legs, feeling how they stuck together slightly when she pulled them apart, just to recross them seconds later. She rubbed her hands up and down her thighs as she fidgeted, trying to dry her palms. As she lifted her hands she looked at them and watched them tremble, almost as if she were cold. In a way, she was. Physically her nerves made her feel like ice was coursing through her veins and freezing each and every nerve ending she had. Emotionally, she felt drained and empty and shattered. Her heart felt like it was frozen and beginning to shatter, just as it had felt for a month. She closed her eyes and took a breath before opening them once more, hazel dancing nervously around the room and taking in the area.

She had been coming here for a while, the long sessions with the trained woman gradually making her feel slightly less awkward and broken. Within these walls she could confess everything and anything with no judgement or scrutiny. She had told the woman about all of her anxieties and social awkwardness. She had confessed about her pained past and the assault she had come to remember from the night she lost five hours of her memory. She had even discussed each sexual encounter, and after a while how they were all people she had used to fulfill a need only a certain detective could actually quench. To an extent, she had even discussed Jane, and how her life had changed thanks to the Southie beauty who protected her daily. Maura had told Doctor Chapman everything, except for one thing: that she was hopelessly in love with Jane.

Today was the day that conversation was supposed to happen, and Maura knew it. Her last session had concluded with Maura teary eyed and yelling at the calm, stable woman about how she didn't need her in her heart, she could just stay in her mind. The psychologist had merely given Maura a sad smile and said, "in order to help you with one, you have to let me into the other."

And here Maura was today, waiting for Doctor Chapman, or Amy as she had told the medical examiner to call her, to enter the room and start prying her way in thru the spaces in Maura's cracked and damaged soul.

Soon Maura heard the all to familiar sound of heels clacking towards the room, then thudding softly across the thick carpet as she entered the waiting room and finally the small office where the small, Irish descended woman waited, her anxiety clear on her face.

Amy walked to her chair and sat down, reaching into the small desk next to it and grabbing a notepad and pen. She looked up to meet Maura's eyes, or try to since she was looking at the floor intently, and smiled warmly. She watched Maura fidget and felt her heart sink. She felt for all of her patients, but when it came to Ms. Isles, she couldn't help but feel...more.

"Good afternoon, Doctor. How're you feeling today?"

"Uhh," Maura nervously smiled and clasped her hands, wringing them together to still their shaking. "I'm...alive."

Amy nodded, seeing how difficult the past few months had been on Maura. She had briefly gotten to discuss with the medical examiner the fact that Jane had gotten engaged, but the conversation hadn't progressed much further, which was rare. Usually when it came to Jane in the past, the blonde before her would begin talking and use 55 minutes out of an hour talking about her "LLBFF."

"Maura, I'm not going to beat around the bush today, and I'm not going to let you, either. I know you have been avoiding discussing Jane, especially her engagement, but honestly we need to."

"I ...briefly discussed her last time."

"You said," Amy told her as she flipped into Maura's file and found the notes from Maura's last session, "and I quote, 'Jane means more to me than anyone else on this earth. More than she knows. And I'll never get to tell her because she is marrying Casey, and I can't ruin that for her.'" Amy looked up at Maura, seeing tears brimming hazel eyes. She softened her tone before continuing. "Why can't you tell her? What is it you feel that holds you back, Ms. Isles?"

"I can't," Maura choked out.

"Why? Maura, she's your best friend. She'll understand. You've barely spoken of her in two months. Or to her, from what I've gathered in our sessions. What can't you tell her?"

"I don't want to discuss her. I can't," Maura forced out as tears flowed more heavily down her face now. "I can't talk about her."

Amy's heart clenched as she watched Maura crumble. "Why?"

Maura laughed sarcastically, looking at the ceiling before she wiped her eyes gently with her finger tips.

"You know how people talk about the love of their life?" Maura asked, false sentiment dripping from her words. "How they talk about the moment they met and their first date and how long they dated? They'll talk about everything to do with how their relationship progressed." Maura's voice became quiet, only a murmur as she concluded her question with, "how they defend each other. Save each other. How they taste."

Amy patiently waited, listening to Maura's quiets words, letting the doctor lead this discussion. "I do."

"That's Jane," Maura blatantly stated. "That's the love of my life. That's the one person I would give anything for. I'd die for her."

"With no hesitation?"

"None whatsoever," Maura confirmed, her gaze unwavering and bold, just like her words.

"But you never got the chance to have her."

"Not in the traditional sense, no. I never got to kiss her or hold her or...see how she looks with the moonlight shining off of her skin as she moved with me. I never got to taste her beer on her lips or the salty skin at the curve of her neck. I never got to whisper how much I love her with her fingers entwined with mine as she arched into me, whimpering," Maura described quietly, a glassy look in her eyes as she stared vacantly into space. "But I got to experience so many other things."

"Like what?"

Maura smiled lazily, a sadness present in her expression as it rolled off her body in waves.

"I was there when she shot herself," Maura mumbled, her gaze dropping to her hands which rested in her lap. "I ran out the door, and I watched... I watched as she pulled the trigger and fell to the ground," Maura recalled, closing her eyes as she felt herself slipping back into that moment.

She could hear the screams of officers, trying to make her stop, confused over what Jane had done. She could feel the sun on her back and hair, blinding her and making her eyes hurt as she ran straight into the light outside, not caring about anything but Jane. She could hear her heels as she ran. She felt the rough concrete scraping her legs as she slid onto the concrete steps and lunged forward on her hands and knees, crawling over to Jane. She could feel Jane's warm blood covering her hands as she fought to stay calm and stop the bleeding while tears steamed down her face. She could even feel the hoarseness of her throat as she screamed for help and for Jane to stay with her.

"I...held my hands over her wound," Maura said, painting the picture for Amy as she spoke quietly, her voice hoarse from tears. "I held it there and felt her blood and begged her to stay with me. Please. To stay and be with me so I could love her."

"Did she know?"

Maura shook her head. "She had blacked out."

"Were you with her through other incidents such as these?"

"You mean ones where her life was in jeopardy? Absolutely."

"Such as?"

"The explosion at the Hero's gala. I held her when it happened. She was so terrified. For once, I was the strong one. I made her feel protected in that moment. When Casey had surgery, I held her as she cried and put together all the broken pieces he had left behind. And I sat by and listened as she told me about Agent Dean. How she thought she could move on. And I supported her," Maura confessed. "I loved her through all of it."

Amy gave her a moment before she pressed for more. "Go on."

Maura's gaze remained distant as she shook her head, only slightly at first, but then it grew in intensity as Maura shook her head furiously.

"No. I just... I can't," she forced out around a sob as she shifted once again in her seat. "I can't talk about her with anyone. Not anymore. I can't talk about her. With anybody," Maura spat, hurt in her eyes as she looked at Amy with a cold, angry stare.

"And why is that?"

"Because."

"Because why, Maura?"

"Because it makes me sad!" Maura practically screamed. "It makes me so sad. And angry. And hurt. And broken. And weak. And just...pathetic!"

"Why do you think it makes you pathetic?" Amy asked, handing Maura some tissues and a bottle of water from her desk.

"Because I keep loving her anyway.  
Through every stupid, self inflicted danger. Through every struggle and fight. Through every man. Through Casey. I keep loving her and doing for her regardless. I can't move on. I can't bring myself to tell her how I feel. I'm a coward and a door mat. I am pathetic."

"Loving her regardless of what happens doesn't make you pathetic."

Maura scoffed. "Did you know she told me about her dream wedding once? And when I asked if I could come, she said maybe."

"I'm sure she was joking."

"While she was joking and having a laugh, I was lying next to her and staring at her. I took in every detail of her face. How her eyes are falsely foreboding when they're really flecked with gold and amber and they're so warm and welcoming. How her mouth curves when she smiles and her dimples appear when she grins. I laid there and I just accepted the fact that if I am even lucky enough to be there, I will just be a guest in the audience, or a bridesmaid at best. I'll watch her marry Casey and walk away from me forever, and I'll never say anything about it to her. I'll never tell her I love her. I'll just sit by on the couch like I do now and listen to her tell me all about Casey and I'll smile and nod when she's there and cry after she leaves."

Amy let a moment of silence fall over them as Maura composed herself and sniffled into a tissue as she wiped her eyes. Maura felt hurt and empty yet free and whole and like for the first time in two months, things might just be okay.

"Maura, you need to talk to Jane."

"And say what? Don't marry him, marry me?"

Amy laughed softly as she shook her head and placed her notebook on the side desk, leaning forward and closer to Maura.

"No, maybe not that, but you do need to talk to her. Tell her the truth. How you feel. How you have felt. You need to tell her before it is too late. What if she wants you, too?"

"Then she wouldn't be with Casey."

"Are you sure about that?"

Maura raised her eyes to me Amy's questioning gaze, unsure of what she meant.

"They're engaged. I'm pretty positive that ship has sailed."

"Jane was raised in a blue collar, Italian, catholic family from South Boston. She probably, to an extent, feels she can't have you for financial and socioeconomic reasons as well as strict religious reasons that have been forced into her life. You'll never know until you try. But, Maura, people don't almost die for just anyone. And she almost died for you several times. She almost went to jail for you, no questions asked and with no pressure to do so."

"And if she rejects me?"

"You do what to have to, and come here when you need to."

Maura picked at the material of her Aramni suit and thought for a moment, letting the words sink in.

"I don't think I can."

"I do."

"How?"

"You were strong enough to tell me. You can tell her."

Maura sat still for a moment before nodding. "Okay. I'll tell her."

Amy nodded. "Good."

As Maura grabbed her purse and stood, she faced Amy, hesitating before leaving.

"If I need to call you-"

"You have my cell number and I am available anytime."

"Thank you."

"Always."

Amy watched her move to leave, stopping her. "And Maura?" The medical examiner turned to face her, her expression blank. "Loving her, no matter what, makes you strong. Stronger than even Jane is. Don't forget that. Don't run from it."

Maura nodded and with that she left, leaving Amy in her office alone.

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**A/N: This was originally a one-shot and as far as being posted on here, may remain that way. A few people I know have asked me to continue it so I may. This was kind of a rough run of this, so I may edit and repost.**


	2. Breaking Down Walls

Therapy II

A/N: Wow. I was honestly shocked in the best possible way by all the reviews and follows and favorites I received. This was intended as a one shot, but I have decided to continue it because you guys asked for it. So, let me just say, it is an honor that you wanted me to continue. Someone told me in a review that they hadn't been this excited over a story since Among the Dead. That is for one, amazing, and two, slightly intimidating, because I love that story.

I haven't written for public viewing in years. I am very self-conscious about my writing and don't always take criticism well. But then one day on tumblr I left an ask in colourmetheworld's ask and she gave some great advice. One of the things she said was for a writer to determine why they write. Well, I used to write for people to read it and love it, and I was upset if they didn't. But now I write because I put into what I write what I feel. It's how I clear my mind and make myself smile. It's an added bonus when people appreciate it and like it. I was inspired to start posting things again by my friend Sarah, and my friend Reena.

To wrap this up, thanks for your kind words and encouragement. This is probably one of my favorite fics I have penned to date, because for one, the original gif set hit home with me in a very deep and personal way. Secondly, it's emotional and different and is unlike anything I have written before.(Though I don't expect this to be that many chapters, honestly.) **Now, the timeline. This is going to be AU, but I guess if I had to pick a season it's most closely related to, it's season four. There will be spoilers in here but not necessarily confirmed spoilers. It will not be a jump feet first into rizzles first thing type story. I don't want that. I'm sorry if that's what you expected. **

So, just a reminder that this is here for you guys, and I am very appreciative of your words. I do not own Rizzoli and Isles or any of the characters; I don't even own the original idea behind the gif set, and to Motionless Dream on tumblr who posted it, thank you for the inspiration you indirectly gave me.

I also just started my fall semester of college, so bear with me about updates and posting, because I don't have internet at home, either. Without further ado, chapter two!

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Jane Rizzoli did not go to therapy. She didn't need to sit in a chair and bitch to someone about her life while they stared at her with a vacant, uncaring gaze and then tried to dissect words they hadn't actually heard anyway. Yet here she was, sitting in the waiting room of a therapist's office for the fifrth time in a month. She had been coming twice a week for two weeks and despite not actually divulging anything, she was still going. Why she kept returning, she had no idea. She had yet to actually even divulge any information to the man that would allow him to help the Detective rebuild the bridge between her current frame of mind, and sanity. She had yet to speak to him upfront about Hoyt and the nightmares that had returned. She had yet to tell him about the identity crises she had been having for months. She hadn't told him anything, really. The most progress that had been made was in her last session.

_Doctor French sighed, looking at Jane as she sat in her chair and fidgeted, picking at her nails. She had been mumbling out answers to questions for about twenty minutes, and this was the most information he had pulled from her in two weeks. _

"_Ms. Rizzoli, why are you here?" he asked quietly, watching as she visibly gulped and bit her lip._

"_For help."_

"_With what?"_

_Jane laughed sarcastically, at herself and the question, as she answered, "Everything."_

_James uncrossed his left leg from where it had been resting atop his right thigh. He leaned forward, closer to Jane, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked at her, a sad smile pulling at one side of his face._

"_Jane, in order for this to work, you have to start talking to me."_

"_I have been talking to you."_

"_Really? You think so?"_

"_Yeah, I do," she snapped, looking up at him, a look on her face that showed how incredulous she found his statement to be. _

"_What exactly do you think we have discussed, Jane?"_

"_I..I've told you about my job."_

"_The bare minimum."_

"_I've told you about Maura."_

"_Yes, all about her ordeals and how they affected her. Not you."_

"_I told you about Casey."_

"_You told me you were happily engaged. You told me your job was going fine. You said you weren't having any more nightmares. You've told me lots of things, Ms. Rizzoli, all of which have been lies," James told her. He waited for a response, and when he got none, he sighed and rubbed his forehead with his hand. "Jane, in order for me to help you, you have to let me. You have to tell me what is bothering you. Why you're here. What you want to talk about. We have to have a starting point."_

_Jane listened to his words, still staring at the floor. She clenched her jaw as she absorbed how much he cared. The last three shrinks she had seen hadn't cared at all. They'd merely wanted to pass her so they could send her back to work. _

"_Okay. You're right," she admitted quietly. "You're right, and I'm sorry. I'm wasting my time and yours."_

"_So what are you going to do about it?"_

_Jane looked up and met his gaze, answering with, "I'm going to start talking."_

Jane's head jerked up and towards the door to the office as she heard the quiet squeak of the hinges announcing that someone was coming out of the room. She smiled softly, almost shyly, as she saw Doctor James French come out of the office and smile warmly at her, the sentiment even obvious in his grey eyes. His shaggy, dark hair combed over, but not in the disgusting, slimeball way, more so in the handsome, older gentleman way. He wore a sweater vest with a button up underneath it and a pair of slacks. He appeared to be a calm, nice man, but Jane knew that he had the ability to push buttons in a subtle, kind way, forcing people to open up to him and communicate.

"Well hello, my dear Detective. Would you like to come in?" he asked, motioning at the door behind him.

Jane stared through the door way, her nerves hitting her full force as she stood, her hands shaking as she clenched and unclenched her fists.

"As ready as I'll ever be," she told him, smiling softly as she walked past him and into the room.

She went straight to the chair on shaking legs and sat down, flopping in a very Jane light manner into the chair. She leaned back into it, her legs spread slightly as she bounced her right leg. She fidgeted, her fingers visibly shaking. She hated being this nervous. She didn't have a reason to be. Well, actually she did, because this time she had something she needed to discuss with the man in front of her. It had been driving her crazy for two days, and Jane couldn't keep it bottled up anymore. But yet, she knew she wouldn't be able to just jump straight in with what she needed to say.

Across from her, Doctor French watched as Jane fought with herself internally. He had never seen Jane this upset and stressed out. Something was bothering the woman in front of me. From appearances, he could see that she hadn't slept, bags heavy under her eyes, which seemed dull and tired. She seemed like a woman on the edge, so to speak.

"So, Jane, how are you today?"

"Alive."

"Alive and..?"

"Confused, " she murmured, barely audible but still heard by the Doctor's ears.

"About?" he asked softly.

Jane sat still for a moment before shaking her head. "Story for a different session, doc."

James sighed, nodding slightly. "Okay. So, where would you like to finally start then?"

"I…don't know."

"You haven't been sleeping," he stated, getting Jane's attention.

"I.. No. I haven't."

"How long?"

"I have barely slept the past three nights."

"Why?"

No reply.

"Jane, are you having nightmares about Hoyt?" he asked her boldly, deciding that it was time to draw Jane's attention to at least one important issue in her life.

Jane stiffened in her chair, her jaw clenched as she felt her stomach drop.

"Why are you asking about him?"

"Because in the past two weeks that's the only thing you've actually talked about in relative detail."

"I…had one nightmare about him. That's it. It isn't why I can't sleep," Jane snapped.

"You had a nightmare about him?"

Jane sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Yeah. I did."

"What was it about?"

Jane ran her hands through her hair, unruly curls more so than usual. She grit her teeth and took a deep breath, fighting off the irritation. She really didn't want to discuss Hoyt. Not now. Not ever. Never again.

"It was about the same thing it's always about."

"And that is?"

"Him."

"Jane, what was he doing?"

"Nothing."

"Jane, you wanted to do this. You wanted to start talking about things. You have been coming here for two weeks now, and you have barely told me anything. To hear you talk, your life is perfect. You're happily engaged, you enjoy your job, you have a great best friend, so why are you here? If you don't need this then don't waste-"

"He was killing Maura!" She yelled over him, looking up at James with dark, angry eyes. "He was killing her. I watched him cut her throat. I watched her bleed out. I watched her die," she snapped, talking with her hands and angry tears in her eyes. "I watched it and I didn't do a damn thing about it."

"Why would you feel that way? You saved her last time, correct?"

"I did," Jane confirmed, adding quietly, "I always do."

"Tell me about that day."

Jane looked up at him, mouth slightly agape. "Wha- Why?"

"Because it has been two years, Jane, and you are still having nightmares. You look at Maura every day, you look at her alive and well and breathing, and yet in your nightmares, Hoyt is killing her. He's taking her from you. We need to figure out why."

"I don't want to go back there."

"Why?"

"Because," Jane couldn't get it out.

She could feel the knot in her throat and the bile behind it. She couldn't talk about it because she had almost lost Maura, and she loved her. She loved that woman more than anything else on this earth, and that night in the hospital was the first time she had ever admitted to herself. Maura didn't know, and Jane didn't want to tell her. She had watched Maura almost be taken from her time and time again, and each time cut deeper than the last. The time she had fought with Maura and not spoken to her had showed Jane just how important to her life the Medical Examiner had become. By telling Maura, she risked so much. She risked losing her automatically, not even having her best friend anymore. She risked losing her later on, not being able to give Maura all she wanted and deserved in life. She wasn't unsure of herself because she thought Maura was shallow. She was unsure of herself because after years of being damaged, she didn't know if she could love Maura like the caramel blonde deserved. So she kept Maura where she was, as her best friend, and at an arm's distance away.

"Jane?" James asked quietly. "Jane, are you with me?"

"We were in the hospital," Jane began quietly, almost immediately feeling herself slipping back into that room, and that same exact moment. Her own personal hell. "Hoyt had said he would talk to me and only me and confess to more victims. He would tell me where other bodies were. Where all of them were. Maura was she would go with me so she could differentiate between what he meant and what he didn't because he was dying. Maura always does that," she mumbled softly. "She's always throwing herself into situations she shouldn't be in."

"For you?"

She nodded. "Yeah. For me. We went to the hospital, and I remember looking at him. I remember thinking it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that such a monster that did such terrible things got to die so peacefully," she murmured, losing herself in the moment.

_She watched Hoyt peacefully breathing, a dying man who was going to slip away easily into death's arms. She shook her head, disgusted. _

"_Jane?" she heard the voice and felt her stomach twist into angry knots. "Jane? Jane come closer," he rasped, eyes barely open. "I have more bad things to tell you," she could hear the smirk in his words without it even registering on his face. _

"I leaned down and told him I was there," she told James, "and then he grabbed me by the neck and threw me on the bed. I think he said something, I don't know. His hand," she told him, her own hand going up to her throat and wrapping lightly around it, her thumb brushing over her skin, "was wrapped around my neck. I screamed."

"_GET HIM OFF OF ME!" she screamed, her eyes wide with fear as her heart pounded in her chest. Not again. This couldn't happen again. _

_From her position she could just barely see Maura, her mouth open to scream as she turned around and straight into the guard's hand. He wrapped it around her neck, squeezing tightly and holding the taser up to her. Maura struggled, unwilling to let this happen. She had to help Jane. She had to help Jane. _

"_No, I'll think I watch," the guard told Maura, looking into her hazel eyes._

_Maura turned her head, looking at Jane, her eyes pleading with the brunette to tell her this wasn't happening. To tell her what to do to fix it. _

"Happy birthday, Jane," Jane rasped out, her voice changing tone to mock Hoyt's, her own hand squeezing her neck tighter. "He tightened his hold on me. I couldn't do anything. It was like being frozen," Jane forced out around tears that now welled in her eyes.

James watched, his hand over his mouth and barely there tears rimming his own steel eyes. He could feel the pain and regret and anger rolling off of Jane in waves, not sure if the brunette was more upset over putting herself in that position, or putting the blonde in danger. He watched as Jane's eyes moved quickly, the sheen of a cold swear evident on the exposed skin of her wrists, forehead, and hands.

"_I was so hoping you were smart enough to put together my clues. Was it fun?" Hoyt asked as he pinned Jane further into the bed, over top of her now. He looked into her fear filled eyes and fed off of it, her fear coursing through his veins as adrenaline, driving his actions. "Like a murder treasure hunt."_

"_I should have killed yo_u when I had the chance," Jane whispered, repeating her words to Jane, half in and half out of her flashback. "I should have killed him but I didn't. I didn't and Maura.."

"What happened to Maura?"

"_Yeah, you should have," Hoyt told her, nodding his head in confirmation. _

_Maura watched from the other hospital bed, tears in her eyes._

"_The taser," Hoyt told the guard, holding out his hand. _

_Maura whimpered and fought down a, "no," as Rod Mason stepped forward and handed the black object to Hoyt. Hoyt wrapped his hand around the cool material and smirked, looking down at Jane's hands and the scars he had put there so many years ago. He looked at her bindings and ran his eyes over her body until he met her eyes, his head cocked to the side slightly._

"_I can turn it on if you like," he told her._

"_NO!" Jane heard Maura scream, the blonde lunging her body forward, struggling with her wrists and pulling against the ties that held her hands together._

"_I always finish what I start," Hoyt told Maura more so than Jane, laughing slightly along with Mason as he did._

"_He played you , Mason," Jane told the guard, trying to stall, to put the attention elsewhere other than on herself and Maura, especially Maura. "Just like he plays all of his little apprentices."_

"_I'm not the one wearing zip ties, Detective."_

"_What was in it for you?" Maura asked, her voice trembling as she followed Jane's lead, trying to stall. _

"_It was fun," he replied, shrugging his shoulders as if this were nothing. _

"Mason went off on a rant about how fun it was," Jane recalled to James. She had shrunk back into her chair and herself, a single tear slipping down her face. "I could hear Maura shifting around. She was trying to get free. Her hands, anything. Just trying to do something."

_Hoyt leaned closer as he finished his rant, smirking as he said, "It's time."_

_He passed the Taser to Mason, taking a scalpel from the guard as holding it carefully in his hand. He shifted the cold steel between his fingers, watching the glint as he felt Jane's pulse pound beneath his hand. _

"Maura..was saying something to the guard. They were talking about how he had killed one of the victims. I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't focus. I just felt Hoyt over top of me and every nerve ending in my body screaming at me to do something, and I..I-" Jane swallowed hard, dropping her hands into her lap defeatedly. "I couldn't."

"For yourself?"

"For either of us."

"What happened next?"

Jane sighed, "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"You need to."

"No, I don't," Jane told him, irritation evident in her voice. "Hoyt is not even why I started coming here to begin with. He has nothing to do with it."

"Then why did you?"

"Beause…it's more personal than Hoyt."

"Jane, it doesn't get much more personal than a mad man trying to kill you multiple times."

"Yes, it does actually."

James sighed, "What happened next with Hoyt?"

Jane looked at James, anger in her eyes. "What? You want all the morbid details? All of them?" she asked, standing as talked with her hands, her posture defensive. "You wanna know what it felt like when he cut my neck with a scalpel for, what , the third time?" she asked, her finger pointing to her neck at a faded scar. "You wanna know what it was like to watch him stalk over to Maura, as he told me that he was a dying man wanting company? How he was going to take me and Maura with him?" she yelled, tears falling harder now. "I watched him walk over to her, tase her, lean his disgusting body all over her, and cut her neck. 'You'll feel a slight pinch, Doctor Isles,'" she mocked, venom in her words. "I screamed at him not to touch her. Not to FUCKING touch her," she sobbed. "A guard was holding me down and all I wanted was for him to leave her alone and take me. I watched him put his…disgusting hands on her. I watched him start defiling the best thing in my life. The most innocent person I have ever met," she yelled, her voice hoarse from tears and anger.

"How did it end? You obviously survived," James observed, not in the least put off by Jane's mood and tears.

Jane scoffed. "You really wanna know?"

"I do."

"I stabbed him," she bluntly told him, her gaze unwavering. "I fought off the guard, and I made my way to Hoyt, and I knocked him down. I straddled him, and I looked at Maura's body slumped down in that hospital bed, and when I looked back at Hoyt, I felt no fear, no hesitation. And as I stabbed that scalpel through his heart," she continued, her voice much lower now, almost a whisper, "I felt no remorse, no regret, and no sympathy. I felt joy and pride and happiness. I screamed to him that I won. I WON. Me, not him. I watched that blade sink into his chest, and I looked at Maura's body, and I knew that regardless of what happened to me, I wouldn't care. She was safe," she whispered. "Maura was fine."

"What about killing Hoyt?"

"What about it?"

"Does it ever bother you that you got a thrill from taking another man's life, regardless of the fact that he was a monster?"

Jane shook her head, "Don't," she commanded. "Don't you even dare try to make me feel remorse for what I did," she growled, pointing at James. "I killed him because I had to. For myself, and for Maura. He already haunts my nightmares, I will not let him haunt hers, too."

"Jane, let's focus on you for a moment."

"No."

"Why?"

"Because me and Hoyt aren't why I came here to start with," Jane told him, exasperated. "You may think it's important, but it isn't. It's not why I had that dream. It's not why it was Maura that died. It has nothing to do with that son of a bitch."

"Then what does it have to do with?" James asked, confused.

"It has to do with Maura."

James sighed. "Okay, fine. What about Maura? He didn't fixate on her. He fixated on you."

Jane shook her head as she made her way back to her chair, her hands still trembling from the adrenaline. She knew she was back in James' office now. She didn't feel the cold, sterile air of the hospital room, or smell the metallic scent of Maura's blood in her nose. She sat in the chair, and looked at James, her hands folded together in front of her as she leaned forward.

"Do you know what Hoyt's MO was, Doctor French?"

James hesitated, unsure of where this was going. "He would torture and kill his victim's using scalpels."'

"What else?" Jane asked darkly.

"He would rape the woman and force the man to watch."

"He targeted couples. Families with kids."

"He did."

Jane swallowed thickly, looking at her hands as she began to stroke the scars on her palms with her fingertips. "I realized in that moment, in that hospital room, that even Hoyt could see how I felt about Maura," she murmured. "I showed him I would die for her. No one willingly dies for someone who is just their best friend. They may come pretty damn close," she said, "but they don't die for someone they don't love. And I love Maura," she mumbled. "And he saw it. I killed him for her. Not for me."

"It all goes back to Maura? All of it? It has nothing to do with how he hunted you down?"

"It does to an extent. But in that moment, I only thought about how he had tried to ra-"She choked, she couldn't say it. "He had tried to rape Maura. He was going to kill her in front of me because he thought we were together. And I couldn't let that happen all because he could see how I felt for her."

James took Maura's appearance in, and realized that Jane looked defeated. This was her secret. She loved Maura, another woman, someone completely off limits to her. Someone who wasn't her fiancé. Someone who she thought she couldn't have for every reason under the sun. Yet she wanted her none the less.

"Jane, is you being in love with Maura why you originally came here?" James asked quietly.

Jane nodded silently, her face red as she blushed deeply, for some reason not feeling ashamed but more nervous and giddy and scared.

"Okay, let's talk about Maura," he told her quietly. "You're engaged to Casey, correct?"

"I am."

"Why?"

Jane paused. She thought hard before she opened her mouth, unsure of how the words would sound.

"Being with Casey, it's easy," she confessed. "Not in the most important way, but in the way that he doesn't know about every nightmare I've been through. Not in detail like Maura does. When Casey looks at me, he can still see Jane who loved to have fun. Who was carefree and everything that the Jane today, isn't. He didn't see me broken like she did," she sighed. "He didn't see me like that."

"And Maura did. How does that make you feel?"'

"Terrible," Jane admitted. "I love Casey, and in a way, I will always love him. But Maura," Jane paused, smiling softly before she continued. "Maura is everything Casey ever was, and more."

"Why aren't you with her?"

"I can't be. I'm not gay. I'm straight. I love Casey. I love him more than I can describe," Jane argued.

She looked up into James' eyes and he frowned.

"That's not true."

Jane looked down and bit her lip as another tear, a much larger one, fell down her face.

"She came to me three nights ago. It was late, probably around eleven," she told him, the scene replaying like a movie in her head. "Casey is in Afghanistan, and I guess she thought it was a safe time to tell me."

"What'd she say?"

"She told me she loves me," Jane rasped out, her voice cracking. "She told me she has loved me for a very long time, and that she couldn't keep hiding it anymore. That she couldn't sit by and watch me marry a man who didn't know me as well as he thought he did, who I didn't miss until he was already gone, a man that made me unhappy."

"How did you react?"

Jane scoffed at herself, rubbing the back of her neck. "I yelled at her."

"Why?"

"Because she doesn't get to do this!" Jane snapped, looking up at him. "She doesn't get to wait until Casey and I are engaged for six months and then come to me in the middle of the night while he's gone, in the pouring rain, standing outside like it's some damn romance movie, and confess her feelings!"

"Why doesn't she?"

"Because!"

"Because why?"

"Because I can't have her!" Jane yelled. "I can't…have her."

"Why?"

"I can never give her what she wants."

"I don't think she wants much, Jane."

"She wants me," Jane whispered. "All of me. Every single piece of me that is left. She wants all of it. The damages, the insecurities, she wants me to take down my walls entirely and let her in."

"You can't do that?"

"No."

"Why can't you?"

"Because I just..can't. I do not need the looks of sympathy from her every day of my life whenever something happens to me, or when I have a nightmare about Hoyt and wake up next to her. I don't need the reminder of how she's loaded and I'm not. I don't need the judgment from my friends and family, and I sure as hell don't need the judgment at work."

"You think people will judge you?"

"I know they will. I'm a cop. A female cop. A detective at that. The youngest and only female homicide detective at BPD. I have been fighting the stereotype that I'm gay for years. I've been perfectly fine with my life, with Casey, until Maura walked in and fucked everything up. I thought," she sighed, "I thought if I wore a mask long enough, I could become that person, the one I was pretending to be. The one I'm running from."

"Jane, how did your dream end?"

Jane swallowed hard before forcing out, "with Hoyt killing Maura because I wouldn't save her. I just stood there and let it happen."

James observed Jane for a moment. She looked defeated and confused and hurt. She was trying to figure herself out, as well as her life.

"Jane, after what you have been through, it was entirely normal to want to be in control. To not want to let anyone in, to never let down your walls. The judgment you fear not only stems from your Catholic upbringing and fear of stereotypes, but from the control that has repeatedly been taken away from you. But, in order to be happy, you are going to have to stop fighting what you feel, stop trying to hide it and change it, and just let it happen."

Jane listened, taking in his words. She knew they were true, but she feared them.

"Why can't I make myself love Casey? Why can't I choose him? I would choose Maura over anything. Why can't I do the same for Casey? I love him. But-"

"You're IN love with her."

Jane nodded. "Yeah."

James leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. He let his eyes focus on the popcorn texture and sighed, trying to think of how best to tell Jane what he was about to.

"Did you know I'm gay, Jane?"

Jane looked up, shocked. "I..No. I didn't."

"I am," James confirmed, looking back down and meeting her eyes. "I fought it for years. From the time I was in high school until well into college. I never told a soul. I thought that if I hid it long enough, if I pretended not to be that, then I just wouldn't be."

"It didn't work?"

"Not at all. It made me miserable."

"What did you do?"

"I accepted myself, and realized that those who truly care for me, will accept me as well. Jane, being with Maura, does not make you gay. She is one woman out of at least a billion on this earth. It is actually much more common to-"

"Like one specific person of the same gender than the entire gender."

"Yes. Exactly."

Jane smiled softly. "Maura told me that once."

"She didn't do anything wrong by telling you how she felt. She thought she was doing what was best, if not for you, at least for herself. For as long as you have been keeping this secret, Maura has been keeping it, too. And she's watching you while you're engaged to Casey, walking away from her."

"I can't just up and leave him."

"I'm not telling you to. Take your time. He won't be back for another two months, correct?"

Jane nodded, "Yes."

"Then within those two months, I need you, and you need yourself to figure out what you want. You need to admit it to yourself, and if Maura is what you want, then you need to tell her. If not, then you need to let her go. She deserves to at least know her answer and move on."

Jane took his words in, nodding as she realized the truth about them. "Okay."

James looked at the clock. "I have another appointment in fifteen minutes. Would you like to keep talking? I can push it back."

Jane shook her head. "I think that's all I can do for today."

"Did you figure anything out?"

"Sort of. Not quite all of it. But sort of."

"Good. That's what this is for. However," he continued, "at some point we will have to discuss Hoyt in deeper detail. Your reoccurring dreams and ability to slip into a flash back when thinking of a situation or describing it tells me you have PTSD. I can help you through it, but you have to let me."

"I'll think about it."

"Jane-"

"Doc, please?" she asked quietly. "One wall at a time."

James nodded. "One wall at a time."

* * *

A/N 2: This was much longer than expected. But I felt like there was a lot to cover here. I rewrote this chapter multiple times, so if it seems off, that's because this was one of the harder ones to write. I felt like Hoyt needed to be addressed in some way. Laughing with a beer (like in tonight's episode) does not solve all problems.

Thanks for reading, and remember, be kind with your words, but let me know what you think.  
By the way, shout out to whoever can guess who James French is based off of. Hint: he's British.


	3. You Don't Get To Do That

Therapy III

A/N: Updates probably won't come this fast forever. But I can't sleep due to the fact that over summer break I completely screwed up my Circadian Rhythm and now I can't seem to fix it. Flashbacks are in Italics. I am including it because someone asked to see how Maura confessed to Jane. So I'm including it. As always, thank you for your support and words. You really don't understand how happy it makes me, and how humbled I am that you guys enjoy reading this.

Anyway, enough talk. Enjoy!

As always, I do not own any characters or the show or the books. If I did, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA a lot would be different, and I wouldn't be a college student.

OH! And, Jeremy Irons was a good guess, but no.

Hints: He's British. He was recently in the news regarding a protest over the Olympics being held in Russia.

* * *

Maura stared vaguely at the plant in front of her. What the hell was it? She thought hard. She knew this. She knew a little bit about everything. It was her specialty. But for the past two days, she hadn't been able to think straight. Hell, she could barely think at all. She heard the door click, the sound of heels, felt the presence, and yet just continued to sit there, staring. Empty.

Amy Chapman looked at Maura sitting in the stiff, uncomfortable chair and automatically knew that things hadn't gone well. She hadn't necessarily expected them to go smoothly. Jane was engaged, and from what Maura and told her, it seemed Jane was either not attracted, or content denying it. It was a shame. She knew how Maura felt. She smiled sadly,

"Maura?" called quietly, the name more like a question than a statement. "Are you ready?"

Maura sighed. "Yeah. Sure." She stood and walked straight past Amy and into the office, heading straight for the chair, sitting down, and returning to her empty, gloomy stare and accompanying mood.

Amy walked into the office and shut the door gently, taking a moment before she turned to face Maura. The caramel blonde was sitting in her chair, her legs uncrossed but closed, her knees touching. Her left arm rested in her lap and her right arm was propped up on the chair arm, her chin resting on her hand. Her hazel eyes were fixed on a random point on the wall, staring at it but also looking through it, seeing everything and nothing at once. From her appearance Amy could tell Maura had been upset, and the way her usually meticulously done make up was barely there and her usually immaculate hair was in a messy bun, she could tell that Maura just didn't feel like, well, Maura. She was still wearing designer clothes and still looked as breathtaking as ever, but the jeans, boots, and tanktop/cardigan combo she wore was definitely different from her usual attire. Amy slowly went to her own chair, sitting down and taking a drink of water before setting it down and turning to Maura.

"So I take it things didn't go well?"

Maura scoffed. "I don't think it could have gone much worse."

"Has she spoken to you since?"

"Barely," she murmured. "Mostly at work. I can't blame her."

"Why? You did nothing wrong."

"I waited until she was engaged for six months to finally say something. I definitely did SOMETHING."

"You told her truth. That's all you did. She decides from here what to do with it and how to handle it."

"Well, she isn't handling it very well."

"Why don't you tell me what happened?"

"Why? So I can sit here and wallow in pity in detail?"

"No, so I know what happened with the situation. What Jane said. How you're feeling, besides obviously depressed."

Maura sighed. "Okay. Fine."

_She couldn't breathe. She couldn't do this. She hadn't even gotten out of the car yet, and Maura felt like she was going to pass out and throw up all at the same time. She wasn't sure if her heart had stopped or if it were simply beating too fast to be felt. She couldn't do this. Amy could just help her cope with it while she held it in, but she just couldn't do this. She couldn't go tell Jane how she felt._

_She listened to the rain as it pelted the windshield and watched as the fat drops splattered and rolled down the glass, leaving trails in their wake. She removed her hands from their vice like grip on the steering wheel and rubbed her fingers, trying to get the feeling back in them. She took a couple deep breaths before tilting her head back and resting it against the seat. She slowed her breathing and did the deep breathing exercises she did when she mediated. As she felt her blood pressure drop and her body cool from the high core temperature it had been at prior to that moment, she felt more relaxed. She finally opened her eyes and sighed deeply. Okay. She could do this. _

_She looked out the window and groaned. _

"_I would pick now. At eleven pm the same night of my therapy session. When it's pouring rain." Just then thunder cracked across the sky, a bolt of lightning chasing after it. She groaned again. "Of course," she muttered. _

_She quickly stepped out of her prius, thankful for the quiet running engine of the car, and shut the door. She ran across the street to Jane's apartment and buzzed, waiting for Jane to let her in. After buzzing three more times and waiting another fifteen minutes, Jane finally answered, her sleepy, raspy voice coming over the speaker._

"_Who is it?"_

"_It's me," Maura meekly answered. "Maura."_

"_Hey, everything okay?"_

_Maura could hear the concern in Jane's voice and it warmed her heart while at the same time, breaking it. _

"_Uh, well, I just, can you let me in? It's pouring."_

"_Oh! Yeah, come on up."_

_Maura opened the door and quickly moved inside, running upstairs and to Jane's apartment door. She stood outside and stared at the wood, the tightness in her chest back again. She couldn't do this. She was about to vomit in the floor. She couldn't breathe. Her heart was about to explode out of her chest. Her hands were clammy. Her legs were shaking. She turned to leave just as she heard the slide, click, click, signaling Jane had unlocked the door, seconds before hearing the creak of the hinges. Maura turned back around and faced Jane, meeting the brunette's sleepy gaze. She was wearing a pair of running shorts and a tank top, her hair in a pony tail. _

"_Hey, what's wrong? Why are you leaving?"_

"_I-Jane, I need to talk to you."_

_Jane eyed her with suspicion. "What happened?"_

"_Nothing, just, please?"_

"_Yeah, sure, come on in."_

_Jane stepped to the side, letting Maura in. When the Doctor moved through the doorway, Jane placed her hand on Maura's lower back, ushering her through. Maura felt her heart soar and break at the same time, knowing that what happened in the next few minutes determined whether or not Jane ever touched her like that again, much less spoke to her. She gulped, trying to make the lump in her throat go away. She reached the kitchen island and turned, facing Jane. _

_The brunette took in Maura's wet hair, wet skirt, wet shirt, and felt her heart skip a beat. She caught herself looking at Maura and wanting to hug her and dry her off. The fear and worry etched into a flawless face concerned Jane more than anything, and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know what was going on, and from the looks of this, it wasn't anything good. At the very least, it was serious. Very serious. _

"_Maur, what's wrong?"_

_Maura swallowed thickly, her throat suddenly dry. She opened her mouth, only to close it again. She did that a few more times, knowing she probably looked stupid, before she shut her mouth and pursed her lips, tears creeping into her eyes. She brushed a strand of wet hair out of her face, shaking her head as she walked back towards Jane and past her, to the door._

"_I shouldn't have come here," she threw over her shoulder. "I'm sorry. I can't do this."_

_She opened the door and walked into the hallway, her steps quick as she heard Jane behind her._

"_Maura! Wait!" she called, slipping on a pair of shoes and following the blonde out the door. _

_Maura had already made it to the stair case and was almost at the bottom when Jane got to the top. She reached the door to the outside and grabbed the handle, about to pull it open when she felt Jane gently grab her other arm, pulling gently to try and turn around. Maura stiffened, unwilling to face Jane._

"_Maura?" she asked quietly, fear in her voice. "What is it? What's wrong?"_

"_Jane, I..I can't."_

"_Yes, you can. It's just me, Maur."_

_Maura laughed softly as a tear slid down her face. She wiped at it furiously, infuriated that she couldn't seem to stop crying. _

"_That's exactly the problem," she mumbled. "You're you," she said louder, looking up at Jane._

"_I don't understand. Maura, what did I do?"_

_Maura swallowed her fear and turned and faced Jane fully, meeting her dark brown eyes. She held her head tall, shoulders back, as she closed her eyes for a moment, gathering herself. When she reopened them, Jane's gaze was still there, and she felt herself grow weak. She had to do this, and she had to look Jane in the eye when she said it. If she didn't, Jane wouldn't believe her. _

"_Are you happy?" she asked quietly, her voice wavering._

"_What do you mean?"_

"_Exactly what I said. Are you happy, Jane? With how things are?"_

"_I..yes, why?"_

"_Because I'm not."_

"_What's wrong? What's making you unhappy."_

"_You are," she answered truthfully. "Us. We are making me unhappy, Jane," she confessed softly, afraid if she spoke louder, Casey would randomly appear out of no where._

"_Why? What did I do?" Jane asked, hurt evident in her voice. _

_Maura wiped at another tear that had managed to fall before, giving herself a second before she started talking again. _

"_When I look at you, do you know what I see?"_

_Jane shook her head. _

"_I see a woman who means the world to me," she said quietly._

"_You mean the world to me, too, Maura."_

"_That's not what I mean, Jane."_

"_What do you mean, then? Because I don't understand," Jane pleaded with her, holding both of Maura's upper arms, squatting slightly so she was eye level with Maura._

"_Jane, I can't do this anymore," she whispered, her voice almost gone. "I can't sit here and watch you with Casey and know that I haven't at least tried."_

"_Tried what?"_

"_Jane," she started," I.. You are the most important person to me. You are so intertwined with my life that even if you're just sick or off of work for the day, or working when I'm off, I can't function. At first I thought it was because you're my best friend. But soon after I realized that it's more than that. It's that when I lay down at night and you aren't at my house, I can't sleep. I have nightmares and I toss and turn and I wake up cold and on your side of the bed," she confessed. "It's because when I go out and you're not by my side at whatever dinner or charity party I'm at, I feel exposed and alone and scared. It's when you go to work and I help you get your stuff together and I realize how easy it would be to do that with you every single morning if I could," she told Jane quietly, still meeting her eyes. "It's how right now, I want nothing more than to drag you out into the rain and-" she paused, swallowing thickly, "and kiss you, because right now, I feel like words aren't enough. Jane, I love you," she whispered. "I have loved you for so long, that I can't remember what it felt like NOT to love you. Every time I tried to move on, I told myself I could do it. I could handle being just your friend and move on and be happy, but I can't. Every date, every quick fuck," she blushed at her own use of the popular term, "every thought about being happy leads back to you, because for me, happy is you." She paused to wipe her eyes and backed away from Jane who was staring at her, speechless. "I see you with Casey, and I want to be happy for you, but I can't, because I love you. Because that, that should be me," she whimpered around tears. "That should be me putting a ring on your finger and Skyping with you when I go to conferences and holding you at night and eating dinner with you in front of the TV. That should be me," she finally met Jane's eyes, "because I can guarantee you I love you more than Casey ever imagined he could."_

_Jane backed away, shaking her head, tears in her eyes. "Why're you saying this, Maura?"_

"_Because it's true."_

"_This isn't funny."_

"_IT ISN'T A JOKE!" Maura yelled, a sob slipping past her lips. "It's me telling you how I truly feel about you. And how I feel is that I love you, and I know that I care about you more than he does."_

"_What makes you say that? What gives you the right to tell me that Casey doesn't care about me as much as you do?" Jane snapped, anger and confusion in her eyes "Why are you saying this now that I'm engaged to him, Maura? Are you jealous that someone else gets some of me now? Are you pissed because you can't have every waking moment of my attention anymore?"_

_Maura clenched her jaw, fury and hurt in deep hazel. "You think that's what this about? Me being a bitch because Casey took you from me?"_

"_Yeah, I do."_

"_You're wrong," Maura dead panned, "And you know you are."_

_She turned on her heel and opened the door, walking out into the rain. Jane followed after her, grabbing her wrist and turning her around. Maura jerked herself free, leaning towards Jane with a rage the brunette had never seen before written across her perfect features._

"_What does he know about you, Jane? Huh?" she asked. "Does he know what your hands hurt when it rains still? Or that on cold days in Winter you like frozen coffee and hot chocolate because it makes you work faster? Does he know that when you whimper in your sleep, it's because you're dreaming about Hoyt again? Does he know that you hate it when you come home and the house is entirely dark, but the TV is on? Does he know that? Does he know anything about you since you few up, Jane? You aren't fifteen anymore! And you aren't the girl he left behind the last two times he left you here alone."_

"_What in the hell makes you think he doesn't know any of that?"_

"_Because I can see it, Jane! HE looks at you and he doesn't know anything about what you've been through. He pushed you away from him until everything below the belt worked so he could screw you, then he told you he was leaving for six months and the next thing I know, I'm picking up the pieces of you he left behind, once again," she bit back. "I have sat by every single time and put you back together when he left. When he pushed you away. When he didn't want you in his life. And I'm watching you agree to marry him without your heart in it, because regardless of what you admit to me right now, I KNOW you feel something for me, too."_

_Maura's chest heaved as she finished her rant, the rain pounding the pavement. It was so loud she could barely hear herself think, but she knew Jane had heard her words. The brunette was staring at her, jaw clenched, eyes filled with anger. _

"_You don't get to do this," she said quietly._

"_What?" Maura asked._

"_You don't get to do this!" Jane yelled. "You don't get to run around with every John Doe in Boston for YEARS while I am RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, and then as soon as I'm engaged and happy, come to me and tell me you love me. You do NOT get to do that."_

"_You think that little of me? How many men do you think I actually slept with, Jane?"_

"_I know you've fucked enough up the upper class to cash in favors for anything you want," Jane snapped back. "What makes you think I love you, Maura?" she asked, her voice deep. _

_Maura glared at her, tears running down her face in the rain. She stood there for a moment before she moved forward and grabbed Jane by the neck, pulling her in and kissing her hard. It was closed mouth and hard, but it conveyed in a last ditch desperate attempt everything she felt in that moment, and everything she felt for Jane. Jane fought at first before she kissed Maura back, her resistance becoming nonexistent. Suddenly, Maura pulled away, and when she spoke, her voice was hoarse._

"_If you didn't love me, you would have pushed me away," she argued. "I realize that this is hard for you. It's hard for me too, but I can't keep hiding this anymore. I love you. And I have loved you. And even after you walk down that godforsaken aisle, and marry Casey, I will still love you. I have watched you break, and rebuild yourself time and time again while Casey ran out on you time after time. There is no excuse for how he treated you. You heart isn't in it, Jane, because whether you want to admit it or not, your heart is with me."_

_Jane stared at Maura, crying, unsure of what to say. Maura waited until finally, she heard Jane say, "My heart isn't with you, Maura. Don't act like it's yours to protect. I can't be with you."_

"_Why?"_

"_Because I'm not gay!"_

"_Neither am I!"_

"_Then why are we having this discussion?"_

"_That's your best excuse?"_

"_It's the only one I need, Maura," Jane growled. "I'm with Casey, and when he gets back in two months, I'm marrying him."_

"_So that's it?" Maura asked, her voice almost gone as she fought the urge to just break down in the street. _

_Jane nodded. "That's it."_

_Maura nodded slowly, using one hand to wipe her eyes. She looked up at Jane, taking her in for a moment before she shook her head. "You'll never be happy, Jane. Not with him."_

"_What makes you so confident I'd be happy with you?"_

"_Because you already were."_

_Maura held Jane's stare, waiting to see what Jane would say. _

"_Why do you hate him so much?" Jane asked._

"_I don't hate him, Jane. Just like I don't hate you. I hate what he does to you, what he did to you, and what he's still doing to you. Just like I hate the person he makes you become."_

"_What the hell does that mean?"_

"_It means you went from a headstrong, confident woman to a gullible, lovesick teenager as soon as he set foot back in Boston," Maura yelled. "The Jane Rizzoli I knew NEVER took things like that from anyone. She wasn't ready to get married yet, and didn't let someone try to make her settle down. You aren't you anymore, Jane. At least not the you I knew. Not the you that you were with me," she finished quietly._

"_Maybe you never knew me, Maura," Jane barked, shaking her head. "I can't do this right now. I just can't. Casey isn't even home. I'm not…I can't. Bye, Maura. I'll see you at work."_

_Maura watched Jane turn and run back inside, the rain falling even harder now as she felt her heart crumble and break. As she turned and back to her car, she fought back tears, refusing to cry anymore until she was in the safety of her car. She ran to the other side of the street, sliding her shoes off to do so, and climbed into her car, locking it and sitting in the dark, collecting herself. _

_Jane Rizzoli had just utterly broken her heart, and as much as that hurt, something Jane said kept ringing through her head as she cranked her car and drove off._

Amy watched Maura, seeing the tears that were present now on her pale cheeks. She watched the blonde reach up and wipe them away, shaking her head angrily.

"What is it she said that you think is important?"

"She said I didn't get to do that now that she's engaged," Maura recalled quietly. "She said that she had been right next to me all along."

"Was she?"

Maura remained silent for a moment, as she realized the answer was, "Yes. She was."

Amy stayed silent, allowing Maura to collect herself, giving the woman a moment.

"Maybe not all hope is lost, Maura."

"I'm pretty sure it is."

"I want you to talk to her," Amy told her.

Maura's eyes shot up to meet Amy's. They were wide and full of fear and shock.

"You want me to WHAT?"

"Talk to her. I want you to apologize for how you went about it and some of the things you said."

"Why should I apologize?"

"You honestly don't feel slightly bad for some of what you said?"

"I do," Maura agreed quietly. "But it was all true."

"It may very well be. But apologize to her. Tell her you just wanted her to know how you felt. Then I want you to wait. Jane may feel something for you she is just too afraid to confront right now. Until she does, you have to just wait. I know it isn't fair, but you can't force her to accept things at your pace. If she doesn't feel anything for you, then she will apologize and you guys can start building back to your friendship."

"I don't think I have one to build back to."

"You do. You just have to give it time."

"They get married in two months."

"Then I guess in two months, we'll see."

Maura sighed, wiping her eyes with a Kleenex. "Okay."

"What else is on your mind, Doctor?"

Maura shook her head. "Nothing," she mumbled. "Just Jane."

* * *

A/N 2: Please don't kill me. I just feel like everything would take time. As much as I'm angry about how Jane keeps choosing Casey , even when he treats her like poop, Maura did date and sleep around. Jane was there and single for a while and Maura did nothing. Both of them are responsible. I said this wouldn't be a jump right into Rizzles thing, but trust me, it won't be the slowest burn to it either.

I would also like to send prayers to the cast and crew as well as the family and friends of Lee Thompson Young. I know we all are dealing with this right now, or we're trying to, but just remember that we don't know what demons he faced. Those who smile the brightest are often those who hurt the most. You're all in my thoughts and prayers. We'll miss you, Lee Thompson! You were a talent taken from us much too soon.


	4. Houses That Were Never Really Homes

A/N: This was hard to write. I kept feeling, and honestly still feel like, it was missing something. But then my Beta read it, Kathryn Mae, and she told me that as far as the chapter itself, it was fine. Maybe add detail. But too much detail can be too much from time to time. So, remember, sometimes less is more. Here there is no big explosion, no huge fall out, no not yet. That will happen, but not now. Trust me, by the end of this thing, you will all hate me yet love me because it will have a Rizzles ending. BUT we have a lot to work through to get there. Maura has been hurt, Jane has been hurt, Jane's fear, coping with differentiating between what she feels for Casey and what she feels for Maura, and as promised, they WILL face their demons head on. Together, and separately. Life isn't just roses and candy and "oh I love you let's be together now." It's pain and compromise and regret and fighting for what you want, what you need. It's picking yourself up and going on, even when things get too hard. Jane and Maura have to do that.

That in mind, in case you were curious, while writing this I hope to do: Jane and Maura's therapy sessions, Casey will come home early, showing how Jane's feelings for Casey have changed, the consequences of Jane making her choice to be with Casey thus far (see, person who requested it, Maura will indeed get someone since Jane has made her bed), a confrontation between Maura and Casey, a huge blow up between Jane and Maura and Jane and Casey that changes how things are now, and finally, a very rizzles ending.

So bear with me. It'll get there. Just trust me.

So, for the guess who game, no one has gotten it. So more clues: British, Older, was in the news for a protest against the Olympics being in Russia, is homosexual in reality and had a hard time coming to terms with it during his early life, is best friends with a fellow Brit who is an actor and musician and was on the most watched show in the world in 2007, and Jane said a line in chapter two about wearing a mask. That line refers to a movie that the man I based James French off of was in, that the man said himself, just slightly altered. The original line is "You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.

As always, I don't own these characters, blah blah. Enjoy! Review if you want, and if you wanna get to know me, the author, better, ask me a question! I promise an honest answer!

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Therapy IV: Houses That Were Never Really Homes

It was a Thursday. Meaning Jane was supposed to go to a therapy session today. She sighed as she sat on her couch in her apartment, rain falling outside for the fourth day in a row. Usually rain calmed her. It would lull her into a dreamlike state, the steady thud of raindrops soothing as it helped her switch off her ever racing mind and concentrate on happier things. Today, however, it didn't. For the past three days, ever since Monday night, all it reminded Jane of was Maura, standing outside on the street below, screaming at her. She replayed their argument in her head over and over and over again, and each time tears stung her eyes and she fought them away, refusing to feel guilt or pain or sympathy. She had done nothing wrong, and she had every reason to be angry with Maura, right?

She sighed as she leaned back and nestled further into her couch, curling up so she could tuck her legs underneath her as she continued to stare outside. She swallowed thickly, fighting off the inevitable lump in her throat that was beginning to form as she thought about that night. As she pictured Maura Isles, always fashionable and scared of getting her designer clothing wet, standing on the side of the street at almost midnight, her hazel eyes alight with a fury she had seen very few times before, but had only experienced once head on when it had been directed at her, and Jane could honestly say that the side of Maura she had seen Monday was a million times worse than the Maura from when the Detective had accidentally shot Doyle. But what was Jane supposed to do? She was engaged to Casey. She was happy. She had found someone who saw her and made her want to settle down. Right?

She shook her head at herself, scoffing at the way in which each thought ended with a question mark or outright question, trying to convince herself that she was right and Maura was wrong. But she couldn't. But she refused, adamantly and absolutely refused, to concede to Maura. She knew that Maura loved her, and she loved Maura, but underneath it all, Jane knew she loved Casey. Sure, she felt strange about their relationship, like there was always a piece, a spark, missing, but surely once he was home more and they were married, they'd find it. Casey was meant for her, and she was meant for Casey. .Right?

Jane groaned as she stood up, extricating herself from her comfortable position in her cozy apartment, and moved to the door, sliding on shoes and grabbing an umbrella as she got ready to leave. She walked to the counter, grabbing her phone and keys, gun and badge, and scanned her house once more out of reflex, ensuring everything was as it should be. She checked all the rooms and then approached her door, looking behind herself to make sure that, for the third time since getting ready to leave, that no one was here that shouldn't be. She looked out the peep hole and into the hallway, scanning for a face that didn't belong, telling herself that this was something normal everyone did, before she turned and looked at Jo Friday, smiling softly.

"Okay girl, mommy is going to her session with Doctor French. I'll be back in a couple hours. Don't have a party!" she chastised, pointing her finger at the dog who merely looked at her and huffed before flopping her head back down on her doggy pillow and closing her eyes.

Jane laughed softly and shook her head, opening her door and stepping into the hallway, turning around to lock it behind herself. When she turned back around, she came face to face with one Maura Isles and jumped, her reflex to grab the gun at her hip as she suppressed a scream. Maura, however, did not flinch at all. Not even when Jane's hand shot to her hip and unholstered the black, cool metal of the police issue weapon. She merely stood there, hazel eyes fixing Jane with a tired gaze, her stance open. For a moment, Jane just stood there, staring at Maura, unsure of what to say, her hand still holding her gun just above the holster where she had jerked it out. After a moment, Maura finally spoke, fixing Jane with a tired, irritated gaze.

"If you're going to shoot me, then draw and pull the trigger. If not, put it away."

Jane clenched her jaw, anger and irritation rising in her eyes as she put her weapon back in its proper place and fixed her light weight jacket. She stared at Maura, not sure why the woman was here or what to even say to her.

"What do you want?"

"I came to talk."

"What makes you think I want to talk to you?"

Maura sighed, "Jane, pardon my language, but at this moment, I honestly don't give a fuck if you WANT to talk, we are GOING to talk, at least briefly."

"I have somewhere to be."

"And I have a home and tortoise I would love to go home to."

"Then why don't you turn around and go there?" Jane snapped.

"Jane, just..shutup!" Maura growled, raising her hands in front of her and furiously clenching her fists, her hands shaking and her eyes closing briefly as she spoke. When she opened them, Jane was staring at her, but remained silent, nodding slightly to show Maura could talk.

"I…am sorry, about Monday night. I am sorry about some of the things I said, and I…" she began before trialing off and sighing, placing one hand on her hip and running the other through her hair. "No. I can't say that," she murmured, more to herself than Jane.

"Can't say what? That you had no right to say any of it?"

"No," Maura told her, "Though I had every right to tell you how I felt, and not just about my feelings for you, but toward you and Casey. What I was going to say is I'm sorry for putting down Casey, and in a way, I am," she told Jane, crossing her arms across her chest, blocking herself off. "I'm sorry that I became hateful with my words. I'm sorry for bringing it up now and not months ago. I'm sorry for a lot of things from Monday night, and I sincerely hope you accept my apology. I realize you love Casey, and if that's what makes you happy, then so be it. I hope maybe we can still be friends."

Jane considered her words for a moment, taking Maura in. She sighed as she realized that this was as close to an apology she was going to get from Maura. This was the Medical Examiner's way of extending the olive branch of peace, and Jane knew she needed to take it. She needed to fix this, because no matter who she married, she honestly could not picture her life without Maura being in it,

"I accept your apology, and I also apologize. I was wrong in how I reacted and in how I treated you. But I mean it, Maura. You had no right to tell me that Casey doesn't feel the way about me you do. You don't know anything about our relationship."

"Well it isn't for a lack of asking. I have tried to get you to talk about him, but you won't. You don't talk about him with anyone, which just further-" Maura cut herself off, holding her hands up. "Forget it. I accept your apology."

Jane nodded slightly, looking at the ground and staring at her feet, trying to fight of the awkward feeling in her stomach that was permeating the air. Maura could feel it, too, and inside a huge hole in her heart caved in just that much more knowing that she was probably going to lose Jane in the end. She swallowed, closing her eyes to ward off the tears for now, before reopening them. She smiled softly, fakely, trying to be herself, as she gently shoved Jane's arm.

"I'm sorry, but not as sorry as you are."

Jane laughed quietly, looking up finally. "Well, I guess I will be the more sorry one this time, then."

They shared an awkward, quiet laugh before Jane started walking, Maura turning and walking with her. They stayed side by side as they made their way down stairs, stealing awkward glances every so often, more so Maura looking at Jane. They avoided touching at all costs, and never met each other's eyes. When they reached the door to the street, they stopped, still too timid to speak or just actually look at one another.

"Well, I guess I should go. I'm already late."

"I should let you go then," Maura told her, smiling one sidedly. As they walked outside and Jane went to walk away, Maura turned around toward her. "Jane," she called out, waiting for the brunette to meet her gaze and come closer. When she did, Maura spoke again, her voice cracking. "I'll still be your friend, your best friend even, and I meant what I said when I apologized, but you need to understand that from now on, things will be different. I can't keep living my life with you the way I have been. I can't keep hurting this way, and I am hurting, Jane. That apology also does not mean that I don't still believe in everything I said. I honestly do not think he is right for you, and I honestly don't believe that you feel nothing at all for me. You practically admitted it yourself. But I will still be here. I'll still be Maur, but," she shook her head, her gaze faltering as she swallowed and looked up briefly to see storm clouds fighting furiously overhead, rain drops fighting to fall once more during the brief pause in downpours. "But, not the Maur you knew. Not entirely. You have to understand that."

Jane listened and felt her heart drop to her stomach. "What's going to change?"

"Well, if you stay over, and I do mean If, or if I stay over, I can't sleep in the same room, much less the same bed, with you. I can't keep coming over and laughing with you after all my terrible dates. I can't keep touching you all the time whenever I can. I just..I can't Jane," she murmured. "It will just remind me of everything I can't have."

Jane nodded slowly, "okay. I understand."

"Okay. Good. I mean it, though. I still stand by everything I said. I just won't…bring it up anymore."

"I disagree with what you told me, but okay, I understand."

"Good. Well," Maura paused, clearing her throat and motioning toward her car, "I'm going home. It's been a long day."

"I know."

"Yeah, well, bye Jane. I'll see you tomorrow at work."

Jane nodded sadly, "Bye, Maur. See you tomorrow."

As Jane watched Maura leave, she exhaled sharply, feeling something she was unaccustomed to admitting she felt rise up in her chest; fear. Pure, unadulterated fear. She kept watching as Maura got into her car and sat there for a moment, appearing to wipe at her eyes as she checked her always flawless make up in the mirror, before buckling up, casting a final look at Jane, and pulling away from the side of the street, heading towards what Jane knew was now just a house for Maura, because ever since Monday night, Jane had realized that her apartment was no longer a home at all. Just a house. Four walls, a door, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a bathroom, but nonetheless, it was just a house.

* * *

A/N 2: Yes, Jane can be a bitch. It's a defense mechanism. We all have them. That being said, there is more going on in this chapter than you may realize. Less is more, and Maura said things would change. Sorry or any errors, I haven't been sleeping. I have a lot on my mind, and writing honestly helps. Chapter five will be up sooner than you think, so don't give up on me yet!


	5. You Are Now Your Own Demon

A/N: Hello, my lovelies! My you know how to make a girl smile. (No but really, I was grinning at work like an idiot because of the influx of emails about reviews and what not for this story when I checked earlier.) That being said, this is set in the same day as chapter IV, directly after Maura goes to talk to Jane.

Also, to M who told me that I should stop defending how I write and explaining it, thank you. Because you're right. I shouldn't. I'm going to start listening to you. So thank you. I needed that. And *drum roll* LADIES AND GENTS, JAMES FRENCH IS BASED OFF OF THE LOVELY STEPHEN FRY. Congrats to nomim and Dr. Red Rose for getting it right. Although, to everyone who said it, Sir Ian McKellen was a good guess and is someone else I could have used for Jane's therapist.

As usual, I don't own them. I'm just using these**_ tails_** to make the**_ tale_**. ;) Heheh.

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Therapy V: You Are Your Own Demon

Jane ran into the building, her hood over her head and the bottom of the sweat pants she had kept on when she left her apartment getting wet with each step she took. As she got inside, she pulled her hood off and shook her long, unruly curls, scowling. She liked rain, but she was really tired of never feeling dry. Her tennis shoes squeaked slightly as she made her way across the floor, the lobby she was in too silent and eerie feeling to bring her any comfort. The air conditioning was cranked up high, and the tank top she wore under the light weight jacket did little to help her stay warm. She made her way to the elevator and pressed the button, watching the floor numbers and waiting for it to arrive so she could jump inside. As she waited, the second elevator next to the one she stood in front of opened its doors and a couple walked out. She watched them as they walked, observing their body language.

They were a man and a woman, in their mid-thirties to early forties. They stayed at least a foot apart, and remained silent as they went; exchanging cold, sad looks as they walked, trying to cover up their unhappiness with fake smiles. She watched them walk to the door, not hearing the door to the elevator behind her open, and saw them brush hands once. They immediately took a small, extra step away from each other and pulled their arms closer to their respective bodies, so as not to touch each other anymore, even by accident. Jane swallowed hard, her throat suddenly dry as she turned around and stepped into the elevator, watching them exit the lobby and walk down the street.

As she rode up to the appropriate floor and entered the waiting room, sitting in a chair, she thought to herself about that couple. What if that wound up being herself and Casey? What if they got married and discovered that it had been a huge mistake? If Jane sat down and thought about it rationally, which she tried to never actually allow herself to do, she realized that Maura was right. What did Casey know about her? Was it really everything she claimed that he knew? Sure, he had been with her, sort of, before he left for Afghanistan, but a lot had changed since he had been gone, and during each of his deployments after. Yeah, she could tell him all about them over Skype when he answered, and eventually she had just given up, but that didn't mean he actually knew her. She had fallen for him at fifteen, when he had been what every girl in school was supposed to want, but even then, a small part of her couldn't help but feel like something just wasn't right. She loved Casey, she knew she did, but there was something about the love she felt for him that just wasn't what she felt for-

Jane clenched her jaw, shaking her head slightly at herself before realizing what she was doing and looking up, scanning the room to ensure no one had been watching her. She saw the receptionist and realized that the woman was oblivious, too into a phone call to notice, and the rest of the room was empty. She sank down into her chair, resting an elbow on the arm rest and resting her forehead on that. She stared at the floor, trying to clear her mind but to no avail. She yawned, stifling it so it wasn't too loud. Exhaustion crept through her body. Maura wasn't her only issue right now. Her nightmares were back, too. More so than she had ever admitted to James.

As she lost herself in her thoughts, she head the door click and snapped her head up, seeing the man in question standing in the door way, his face, for the first time since she had started seeing him, expressionless. It unnerved her and she felt butterflies begin fluttering around her stomach, nausea creeping up her throat and the sudden urge to pee so strong that she began bouncing her knee. She felt like a little kid going to the principal's office, or how she felt now when Cavanaugh stepped into the bullpen and screamed "Rizzoli! My office, Now!" and the anger could be heard in his voice. She almost expected those words to come flying out of James' mouth, but they didn't. When he spoke, his tone was as nice and polite as ever, albeit a bit quieter.

"Ms. Rizzoli, please come in," he greeted and requested and commanded all at the same time, motioning her through the doorway with a hand.

She nodded and stood, walking through the door. For once, when she entered the room, she didn't go straight for the chair and fall into it. She walked to it and stood in front of it, uneasy, and turned, watching James as he shut the door and walked to his desk, grabbing a file and a clipboard before going to his own chair and sitting down. When he did, he looked up at her and Jane took that as her sign to be seated.

"You're late," he told her softly.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Jane, I know you don't exactly believe in therapy, but you have been coming here willingly, and honestly, if you're not going to use this time appropriately and wisely and take this seriously, then-"

"Maura came by to see me and talk to me," Jane told him quietly, cutting him off.

At her words, James stopped talking, shutting his mouth and looking Jane over, seeing the hidden pain behind dark, amber orbs. She looked down after she told him, picking at her sweat pants, avoiding his gaze though she could feel it on her, taking her in, studying her. She felt like squirming in her chair and shifting under his gaze, but she refrained, sitting absolutely still with the exception of her chest rising and falling as she breathed and her fingertips playing with the draw string of her sweat pants.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Kind of," Jane admitted.

James remained silent a moment before continuing. "How about I make you a deal?"

Jane looked up at him, her interest peaked, as she raised an eyebrow slightly. "A deal?"

"Yes, a deal."

"What kind of deal?"

"Well, Jane, as much as I would love to sit here and discuss nothing but you and Maura and Casey for our time together, we also need to focus on your other issues. Your nightmares, your past dealings with Hoyt, you shooting yourself, all the things you have been through, even other family matters, we need to discuss them. If we don't, you'll never learn how to cope and go about your life."

"Why does all of that seem so important?"

"Because to be quite honest, they call interconnect with each other in some way, whether you believe it or not. Regardless of whether they all relate or not, we need to discuss them so your mind, as well as your body and soul, can heal."

Jane sighed, knowing he was right. "What's the deal?"

"If you will spend at least half of each session discussing those things with me, then the rest of each will be devoted to discussing Maura. We have to balance them out. I want to help you. I really do," James told her sincerely. "You're a strong, beautiful, brave woman, Ms. Rizzoli, but you need to let me in. I want to help you figure yourself out. You have a lovely soul, with a lovely mind to match. You just need to let them heal."

"Why?"

"Why? Well, do you miss sleeping, Jane?" he asked.

"I sleep."

"Can you honestly tell me you sleep peacefully?" he asked, emphasizing the last word. "That you lay down at night and are able to separate work from home? Can you tell me that you no longer dream of the demons you see during the day? That Hoyt isn't still sometimes waiting for you when you close your eyes?" When Jane remained silent, he nodded slightly in confirmation. "That is exactly what I thought. You can get to a point where those things go away, Jane. Maybe not entirely, but enough that you don't bring your gun with you to therapy sessions," he told her quietly, gaze lingering on her hip.

Jane self-consciously covered her gun and badge with her coat, the gun having been clipped to the waist band of her pants. She thought for a second before mumbling a barely audible, "okay."

"Okay. Well then, your latest nightmare, which I assume was recent due to the evidence of lack of sleep, what was it about?"

Jane hesitated, her hands trembling more automatically at the mention of it. Images from the worst nightmare she had experienced in years came flooding back to her mind. It was a reoccurring one, but last night it had been the most vivid and detailed to date, and it scared her.

"Hoyt," she confessed, her voice barely audible, making James lean forward slightly to hear her.

"Was he hurting you?"

"No," she murmured, shaking her head. "No, he wasn't hurting me."

"Was he hurting someone you know?"

She nodded, biting her lip slightly. "Yeah."

"Who was he hurting?"

"Korsak," she rasped out. "He was hurting Korsak."

"Korsak? Is that," James shuffled through the folder for a moment, pausing when he found what he needed. "Sergeant Vince Korsak? Your former parter?"

"Yes."

"He was the one who saved you when Hoyt trapped you during your first encounter, correct?"

"Yes."

"Tell me about that night. What happened?"

"Well," Jane exhaled, her breath shakey as she did, "I was following a lead. I just had this gut feeling that this one would work out. So I ignored everything I knew I should have done and went alone. I went into the basement alone. I didn't call anyone. I thought that if I could do this, then I could just prove myself. No one would keep calling me the dyke that got lucky. "

At this, James wrote something down, unbeknownst to Jane, listening to Jane's story as she told it.

"I went into the basement, and it was dark. I looked around, gun and flash light held up like we're trained to, and made sure the room was clear. Or," Jane scoffed, laughing sarcastically, "I thought I did. I could see one of the victims on the floor. She was tied up and gagged. I remember looking at her, at her body, she was so young," Jane murmured, "so pretty. Her face was covered with dirt. So were her legs and arms. Her clothes were filthy. When I met her eyes I could see her terror. I could smell her fear. I could taste it in the air. I couldn't blame her. I was scared, too."

"Of the environment?"

"Of everything about that moment. I was alone with a serial killer around me somewhere, with no one near me, no back up, no way to contact anyone, and it was dark. The basement was musty and dirty and gritty and outside I had remembered that it was a new moon. The sky was so dark. You couldn't even see stars."

"Do you find yourself afraid of the dark now?"

"Honestly?"

"I would prefer."

"Yes," she admitted, her cheeks blushing in embarrassment. "I am honestly terrified of complete darkness. I hate it when I come home and all the lights are off but the TV is on, especially if it's quiet. I absolutely can't stand it. My first reaction is that someone is there. They're luring me in. They're hiding somewhere."

James jotted down a note or two and then nodded in Jane's direction. "Keep going. Tell me more."

"I..was in the basement. Hoyt came up behind me and hit me with something. I remember my mouth opening but I refused to let myself actually scream. I passed out. I woke up when," Jane swallowed thickly, tears burning her eyes and her words sitting like a bitter poison in the back of her throat.

_She felt the stabbing, searing pain and jerked her hand, trying to fight against it, only to discover that this made it worse. She felt like her brain was swimming in quick sand and she couldn't open her eyes. She had a splitting headache, and as she gathered her bearings, she could tell that there was someone over top of her, their body holding her down. The pain was worse now, a constant in her left hand, and she found she couldn't move her fingers at all. As the fog wore off from her mind, there came a second stabbing, searing pain. This time she felt all of it._

_She felt all of it as if it were in slow motion. She felt the sharp point as it pressed into her palm, slightly off center but close enough. She felt if cut through her skin and slide just under it, then continue down, slicing through nervous and veins and muscles and then the worst part. She felt it poke up and press out the other side of her skin as it slid through, raising it up, just barely, and then breaking through on the other side. She felt it impale her to the surface below her, digging into it slightly, or so it felt like. _

_The scream ripped itself from her throat as she ripped her eyes open, looking up into the cold, cruel, bleak eyes of one Charles Hoyt. His dark eyes were the same color as her own and that realization made her feel even more sick than the pain already did. His hair was mussed up and he was covered in dirt. She watched him smirk, watching the blood that flowed from the center of her hands now. Her fingers tried to curl up instinctively, almost as if trying to make a fist, and another scream ripped its way out of her throat, her back arching up slightly and causing her to arch into Hoyt. Tears lingered in the corner of her eyes as she clenched them shut, making her body sink back down. She bit her lip to keep from screaming so hard it bled, the metallic taste running over her tongue. Tears rimmed her eyes but she wouldn't let them fall. Not in front of him. Not to give him pleasure._

"_Janie," he murmured against her skin as he nuzzled her cheek, "I missed you, Janie. But now you're all mine. And I have all the time I need, Janie."_

_She felt sick, the bile rising in her throat. She forced it back down and kept her eyes shut. She could feel his hands running over her body, and it made her skin crawl. She wanted to fight. She wanted to struggle. She wanted to just move. But any and all movement made her hands move, and the pain that went through her body was enough to make her black out. She felt his hands on her stomach and she flinched, screaming as her hands jerked, sliding up the blades of what she knew were scalpels, and then back down as her body collapsed along with her hands. The pain flooded her system, and as everything started going black, she thought she heard Korsak. _

_Her partner found her and made his way over to her, taking off his coat and putting it over her body below the chest. _

"_Janie, what'd you do? Jane, just hold on," Korsak pleaded with her quietly._

_Then everything was gone. _

James listened, watching as Jane lost herself back in the moment once more. Tears were flowing freely now and her voice was almost gone from the strain. She had fisted her hands defensively, clenching them so tightly that her knuckles were white, the skin pulled tight around the small mountains that sat above the back of her hands. Veins stood on end and James could practically see the pulse in her neck jumping erratically.

"Korsak saved you?"

Jane nodded.

"Why did you request a new partner?" he asked quietly. "Why did you decide that Korsak wasn't the person you needed to put your life in the hands of each day anymore?"

"That's not-" Jane sighed, swallowing hard, trying to force the knot down her throat. When it didn't move, she looked down, exhaling harshly. "I trust him with my life. I always have, and I always will. Him holding my life in his hands isn't what made me ask for a new partner."

"Then what did?"

"Me holding his life in mine," Jane told the older Brit quietly, chewing the edge of her lip. "He went into that basement and he saw me lying there," Jane murmured, picturing it perfectly.

_Korsak looked down at Jane, trying to keep his concern and worry and fear off of his face as he took her in. Her body was trying to curl into itself, to shield her away from whatever evils came next. Her hands were trying to fold up and her fingers twitched randomly, signs of damage to the nerves and muscles. Jane's eyes were glazed over, and she was staring at the air, her gaze vacant and nearly lifeless. He sighed quietly and brushed a strand of messy curls out of her face and felt her jerk, her eyes snapping towards him, wide with fear. _

"He saw what that monster did to me. He heard me scream and whimper and cry as the medics came and got me out of there, taking me to the hospital."

"_Janie, it's okay. They're gonna take you to the doctor and get you fixed up, okay?" he told her quietly. "I'm going with you. I'll be right here with you."_

_Jane shook her head. "No. It'-" Jane never got to finish her statement as she felt them begin trying to move her. Her hands shifted around the scalpels pinning her down and a shrill scream ripped from her throat. "Goddamnit, no!" She screamed. "Don't fucking touch me! Fuck! Stop!" She begged as they removed the scalpels from the ground. "Please, it hurts, stop," she sobbed, fighting to stay conscious through the pain. _

"He rode with me to the hospital. He listened outside the door as they took the scalpels out of my hands."

_The chair he sat in was uncomfortable, but that wasn't what made him cringe and stand up and pace the floor. He had listened to Jane whimper as she rode to the hospital, the bumps and nudges and touches along the way causing her to plead for them to stop. Stop touching her, stop moving her, stop hurting her. He put his hand over his mouth as he heard another scream come down the hall through the door._

"_Fuck, please!" he could hear Jane scream, "Please, leave them fucking in! Don't fucking touch them! NO!"_

_Next was just a shrill scream that almost broke the sound barrier, the high pitched noise strange as he heard it come from Jane's usually low, raspy voice. _

"_Why can I feel it?" she asked them, pleading. "Give me something! Please! Shit! Fuck!"_

_Korsak took a shakey breath, trying to calm himself. He had to be brave for Jane._

"He came into the room after they got the scalpels out. He told me the doctor had told him that they had given me a slight sedative, but that due to my blood loss and behavior, they were concerned about what would happen and how I would react if I woke up in the hospital after being drugged. They had apparently given me a pain killer, but I felt it all."

"Did Korsak say anything else to you?"

Jane shook her head. "No. He just sat next to my bed in a chair and stared at the floor. He watched me go through physical therapy. He watched me cry and scream and curse and yell and almost give up. He saw a part of me that I never wanted anyone to see. How could he possibly think I had his back after that? I had ran ahead of went after Hoyt alone, and fucked everything up. If I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of him?"

"I'm sure he doesn't see it that way."

"It doesn't matter," Jane told Doctor French. "When I went back to work he looked at me with the same pity and sympathy that everyone else did. He took it easy on me and defended me because he thought I couldn't defend myself. That was until I beat the shit out of Crowe."

_Jane walked into the precinct, head down and hand wrapped tightly around a cup of coffee. She clenched and flexed her jaw, trying to ease the irritation and tension she felt. She could feel eyes burning holes into her as she took each step towards the homicide unit and the bull pen. She was so sick of the pity she saw in their eyes. She was back. She had lived. She didn't need this bullshit. She just needed her life back._

_When she got to her desk she promptly sat down and turned on her computer, using her left hand and her hair to shield her face from everyone as they stared. She was going through files and emails, trying to figure out where to start her day, when she heard voices behind her talking. She could hear Crowe's among them and scowled at her screen, listening to the conversation._

"_Looks like being the first Dyke Detective in Homicide didn't help her any," he told a rookie cop. "She fucked up and now she's milking everyone's sympathy. She took a fucking month off after it happened for emotional trauma. That's bullshit. No male detective would have done it. Now I gotta watch after her ass. So does everyone else here. She can't handle the job then she needs to quit."_

_Jane slammed her hands down on her desk, ignoring the searing pain that shot through them, as she stood and turned towards Crowe. Unbeknownst to him she began quickly and quietly moving towards him, nostrils flaring with anger. _

"_The dumb bitch. She knew Hoyt had a thing for her and still went. Don't see why though. She ain't nothin' special. Just another piece of Southie Italian ass. A dime a dozen. Too bad those scalpels didn't go through her-"_

_Crowe never got to finish his sentence as Jane reached him, spun him around by his shoulder, and swung, punching him across his face._

"_You wanna talk shit, Crowe? Then move your dick and find your balls, then say them to my face."_

"_You fucking bitch! I'll kick your ass!" Crowe yelled as he charged at her, tackling her. _

_They fell to the ground and Crowe swung as he pinned her down, punching her in the face. A black eye began forming immediately, and as he swung again her eyebrow began to bleed. Jane didn't even flinch against the pain as she swung up with her knee, nailing him in the groin. As Crowe groaned she flipped them and straddled him, beginning to punch him where ever she could. She only got to land a few hits before someone yanked her off of the other detective, arms wrapped around her waist as Jane continued to swing at the air towards Crowe._

"_You son of a bitch! I fucking hate you! You're nothing but a bastard who can't grow a pair of balls! You wanna tell me how I can't handle my job? I don't see you doing anything you piece of shit! You're just pissed the fucking dyke got here without fucking anyone higher up than her! Go to hell, Crowe, and I hope Hoyt winds up there with you!"_

"_Mad man got up close to his eye candy and couldn't stand you. Didn't even wanna screw you!"_

_Before Jane could respond a loud voice rang out from behind her, settling everything in the squad room._

"_Rizzoli! Crowe! My office, this goddamn second, or both of you are fired with charges of assault!" Cavanaugh's voice thundered out. _

_Jane wiggled and struggled, finally getting free of the grip around her waist. She turned to see Korsak looking at her, amusement with underlying sympathy in his eyes._

"_Save it, Vince," Jane told him. "I don't need reprimanding from you. I don't need your sympathy. And I sure as hell don't need your pity," she barked before marching into Cavanaugh's office._

James studied Jane as she recalled the incident and could see the rage well up inside of her even now. Anger issues were on the list of things he and Jane needed to discuss, but it was apparent that Jane had gotten better, much much better, at controlling it. He listened as she told him what Cavanaugh had said and how she had almost jumped Crowe again when they were leaving after Cavanaugh made her take another week off to get her head together. Jane Rizzoli was a fighter, that much her life had shown, but whether Jane wanted to admit it or not, she was also a victim, and that fact controlled her choices in life even now, even subconsciously.

"Jane, I believe your mind has chosen Korsak to be the one hurt because you feel that it could have been him if it hadn't been you. I also think that the guilt you had never discussed with him led to your nightmares. You may understand your reasons for choosing a new partner, but Korsak honestly doesn't, even now. He was hurt by your decision, and honestly will be until you discuss it. You resent him in a way, and until you discuss this with him, you always will."

"But we have discussed it."

"To what extent? Have you told him how much he means to you? How much it means that he stayed with you? Because I can see that it does. A huge part of this is that you are becoming your own demon."

"What does that mean?" Jane asked confused.

"It means that the pity and sympathy you think you see, probably isn't there anymore. Rather they're things your mind paints the allusion of seeing because your greatest fear has become to be something other than brave and courageous and in control. You feel like Hoyt took all of that from you, and still does it when people look at you. In order to no longer see those things, and have the nightmare in which it's Korsak being hurt, you must realize that just because people are concerned and came and show sympathy, doesn't mean they find you weak. If anything, Korsak probably finds you much more brave and stronger than he ever did before."

Jane swallowed nervously. "So I have to talk with him about this?"

James nodded. "Yes. Conversation is key. Words do for us what our actions cannot. There is a reason that Natsuki Takaya said that Even the smallest of words can be the ones to hurt you, or save you. Rudyard Kipling said words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind, and that they indeed are, Jane. Words and action go hand in hand, but without words to explain our actions, we leave the other party lost and confused. Korsak needs to hear this as much as you need to hear yourself say it."

"So you want me to talk to him?"

"I do. Can you do that for me, Jane?"

Jane sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Talking to people isn't necessarily my strong point. As is proven by what happened with Maura."

"Well, then start practicing. Jane, talking to Korsak about this will open a lot of doors for you. Doors to recovery and coping, as well as doors to learning how to communicate more fluidly with people whom you love. Do this for me, and for yourself, Jane. And if not for those two people, then for Korsak."

Jane listened before nodding slightly, mumbling. "Okay."

James let Jane settle for a second before checking the time. The session was actually running over, but he looked at Jane and could see that more things weighed on her mind.

"Is that all you can handle of Hoyt for today?" he asked, noticing how Jane's hands trembled.

The brunette nodded meekly, not meeting the man's eyes. "Yes."

"Well then, I believe we made a deal about discussing Maura."

"My time is up."

"Do you need this?"

Jane nodded hesitantly.

"And you're willing to discuss this?"

Again, she nodded.

"Then I think I can make the time."

Jane sighed, looking up at James, tears rimming her eyes. In her head she was seeing so much all at once. Images of Hoyt, from her memories of what had really happened to the Hoyt that tortured and killed Korsak in her nightmares. Images of Maura in the rain as she tried to get Jane to understand how she felt, and again, standing in the street with dark clouds over head as she fought to stay calm and collected in front of Jane, the woman who had broken heart, and tried to repair their friendship.

"Breaking down walls?" Jane asked quietly.

James nodded, "One at a time. And that wall we just took out? It was a one of many. You've protected yourself behind mortar and steel for far too long, Detective. It's time to save yourself, to be you again, before it's too late."


	6. Between Who You Are and Who You Were

**Therapy VI: Between Who You Are and Who You Were**

A/N: I still do not own them. I still get overly excited for your responses. Last chapter was heavy, but needed. Next chapter? We'll see how things have changed, and trust me, they definitely have. Now, read on and enjoy! ( I hope.)

P.S. Still in Jane's session from last chapter, just to clarify.

* * *

"What if it is too late?" Jane asked the man sitting before her. "What if it's too late for everything?"

"What do you mean?" James asked, confused.

"I have spent so long pushing everyone away, fighting to do this on my own, to figure things out alone, that I never took into consideration how it would affect me down the road. I never considered how it would alter how I handle situations all across the board with everyone in my life," she told James quietly. "What if it's too late for me to fix the damage that's been done? With Maura and Korsak and Casey and just.. with everyone? Maybe there isn't any glaringly obvious damage, but there is some. Korsak thinks I don't trust him and that I hold something against him because of how long I have treated him like this. Frost thinks I don't trust him because I never tell him about it. And now I have fucked up everything with Maura because I can't..figure out what I feel anymore. What if it's too late?" she asked quietly once more, looking up with wide, fear filled eyes.

"If there is anything I have learned, my dear, it is that it is never too late. Maybe a long time coming, and perhaps more difficult as time goes on, but it is never too late. Even after death, it is not too late."

Jane remained silent for a few moments, picking at her thumb nail and staring at her hands. She wanted to believe what James told her, she wanted to believe she could still repair her bridges and mend her wounds, bring herself close once more to those that meant the world to her, but she felt in this moment like she couldn't. Years of keeping things in and settling for second best to avoid the judgment she feared weighed heavy on her mind and heart. This had now become so much more than figuring out who she was as far as being in love. It had now become all about discovering once more who Jane Rizzoli was. Was she the dyke detective from Southie that everyone looked at, even now, with pity and judgment? Or was she decorated detective Jane Rizzoli, identification number Victor 825, oldest child and only daughter of Angela and Frank Rizzoli, big sister to two amazing brothers, best friend to one Doctor Maura Isles, and one of few people unafraid of what people said about her? She had to let go of one to become the other, but Jane's fear was that in order to become the person she wanted to be, she would become the person she was running from.

"Maura came by earlier. That's why I was late."

"What did she say?"

"She told me that she was sorry for some of what she had said to me when she told me she loved me. She apologized for how harsh her words were."

"But?"

"But that an apology for how cold she had sounded didn't mean she didn't believe in everything she had said and still stand by it. She still thinks that Casey is bad for me. She still thinks I should be with her."

"Do you agree with her?"

Jane thought about her answer for a moment before responding with, "I don't know anymore."

"Why?"

"For so long Casey was all I wanted. He was who I dreamt of marrying and living my life with. He was the epitome of a perfect life and a perfect home and happiness."

"What changed?"

"Maura," Jane told him quietly, her voice soft as it wrapped around her favorite name, pain evident in her tone underneath the love and respect that dripped from her voice. "Maura walked into my life and she changed everything. Soon it became easy to picture myself waking up with someone other than Casey every day. It became easier to push him out of mind and be happy without him. But then he came home, and everything I had felt before he left just came flooding back, and I pushed my feelings towards Maura to the side. I told myself I was just using her to fill the void. For the longest time, I have been believing it."

"But now?"

"But now, ever since she came to me that night, I can't help but feel maybe she's right."

"What else did Maura say to you?"

"That things are going to change."

"In what way?"

"In every way. A lot of what we used to do is going to change."

"Such as what?"

"We used to do movie nights all the time. I'd stay at her house, or she'd stay at my apartment. We share the same bed, drink wine, just talk. We hug a lot. We're really…touchy. I guess it comes from watching each other almost die on more than once occasion. But she said all of that is going to change."

"Well, Casey left multiple times and each time you seemed to handle it pretty well, and he is your fiancé. Why do the same changes happening with Maura affect you more?"

"I..don't know."

"I think you do, Jane."

"Because," Jane paused, swallowing nervously, "Because Maura is my constant. Over the years she has become everything I cannot live without in my life. She's there at the beginning of every day, and still right by side at the end of it. Through every hard case, every psychopath, every injury, every family incident, even throughout everything with Casey, she has always been there. I have always…found comfort, in her hugs and how she willingly reaches out to touch me, even when it's unnecessary. She is everything in this world I thought I could never have, but had always wanted, and every day she has always been there."

"And that constant changing scares you?"

"Yes," Jane admitted. "It terrifies me. It terrifies me because I don't know how to handle any of this. I thought that marrying Casey would allow me to move on. I still love him. I still feel everything for him that I have ever felt and more, but at the same time, it's like my heart is fighting itself because what I feel for Maura is the same as what I feel for Casey. Maybe more. I never thought for a second she would come to me and tell me she loved me. I thought that it would never happen because she didn't and that I could move on and marry Casey and be done with it."

"So Casey is just a distraction?"

"No!" Jane argued, answering too quickly for comfort. She sighed, rubbing her forehead. "I'm a terrible person. He wasn't a distraction. I didn't say yes just to say yes. I said it because I love him and I do want a life with him in it. I want him to be there. It's just, over time I began seeing that I wanted Maura in my life, too. That I needed her there more. Casey has been gone on and off for so long that I can't tell anymore what's going on. I just know that I love him. I want to love him more than I do. I want to know that he will be it for me because he was always the plan. He has always been it for me."

"Until Maura."

"Exactly," Jane told James. "Until Maura," she murmured.

"Let me ask you this," James said, pausing to think carefully about how he would go about this. "Close your eyes."

Jane hesitated before slowly closing them, folding her hands together to keep from fidgeting.

"It's your wedding day. You are in your dress and it's almost time to go walk down the aisle, and the music is playing. You can hear it. Butterflies are dancing in your stomach and your smile is so bright it outshines the sun. Suddenly, your mother tells you it's time to go. You watch as your bridal party, the bridesmaids and maid of honor, go down the aisle, and then it's your turn. The music changes, and everyone stands, and you begin taking your steps down the aisle. You're looking towards the alter, and you're smiling because your beloved is waiting for you there. Now, I want you to make a note of the following things. You don't have to tell me now, because this is something you and I are going to work on for the next few sessions. But, which people from your life are in the following positions: maid of honor, your groom's best man, giving you away, mother of the groom, mother of the bride, and last but not least, who are you marrying?"

James watched as Jane's face contorted into confusion before she opened her eyes, tears rimming dark brown orbs. He gave her a moment to calm down, watching as she put her head down and wiped her eyes, trying to even her breathing out before she looked back up at him, her expression blank and deep chocolate cold.

"Now, I want you to go home, and picture this, and write down who is what each time. The closer you get to your actual wedding date, the better your answer should be. If by a week before your wedding you cannot see Casey waiting for you at the end of that aisle, then I would advise you to not go through with this. You may be having prewedding nerves, or you may be making a mistake, Jane. I cannot decide that for you, but I can help you figure it out. Okay?"

Jane nodded, "okay."

"Now, as far as Maura and her changes are concerned, I think maybe it is for the best."

"What? Why?"

"Jane, with all due respect, you fucked up," James told her bluntly. "I realize that Maura didn't help matters by waiting until now of all times to tell you, and I realize that she dated other people for so long that you lost hope. But at the same time, she poured her heart out to you, not only because she felt it was the right thing to do, but because she trusted you enough to hear her out and work through it with her. Instead you left her standing out in the rain, and quite literally at that. Imagine if it were the other way around. Would you want to be around her anymore? And to be quite honest, Maura has put her feelings aside for yours long enough. She deserves time to let herself heal, and you need the space to figure out who you are and what you want. She can't keep holding your hand through out everything. This is something you have to do on your own. I feel as if this will help both of you. In a way, you deserve this, and to be honest, she deserves the effects of this, too."

Jane felt tears sting her eyes as it hit her just how true James' words were. She did need this, and she deserved whatever Maura threw at her. Whatever changed, whatever the blonde decided was best for herself and for Jane, she would go through with it and take it without question or protest. James was right. Her wedding date was fast approaching, and Casey would be home soon from his latest deployment. She had to pull herself together and figure out what she wanted if she truly wanted this engagement to turn into an amazing marriage.

"You're right," Jane rasped out, her voice raw with her fear and anxiety and sadness. "I deserve this. I need this. But-" she paused, taking a deep breath. "If I need help getting through it?"

"Then you know where to find me," James told her. "You will always know where to find me, Jane. Just call me. I'll always be here."

"I'm stuck between two halves of me, and it hurts that this is what it is taking to make me decide who I am."

"Sometimes it really does take a bottom in order to find the top."

Jane scoffed. "Yeah. But what if this isn't bottom?"


	7. Watching Your World Change

Therapy VII: Watching Your World to Change

A/N: College is busy. Text books are expensive. I'm glad I'm not a nursing student because that would surely do me in. Writing this has become my own personal therapy. Look for more emotions because, ha, I'm feeling emotional.

Still don't own them. Still just telling the tale. Using the tails. Grammar. Oops. ;)

* * *

They had started subtly. At first it was just a certain amount of space between them all the time. No more sitting next to each other at the Dirty Robber. No more dinners out alone. No more movie nights where they spent the night together. Then, it went further. No more entire weekends together. Less casual and more formal when at work. No more touching at all. Fewer texts to each other when off the clock. Jane didn't call Maura anymore when she had a nightmare, and Jane didn't know it, but Maura didn't call Jane when she had her own, either. In two weeks they had become as estranged as ever before, and it was slowly getting worse. No more riding to work together. No more morning runs. No more yoga classes or self-defense classes or anything of the kind. Nothing that allowed Maura to see more of Jane's skin than a friend should see. No more riding to crime scenes together. No more Jane hanging out in the morgue unless it was because it was necessary. No more watching Maura's careful fingers perform Y incisions and sew up cold corpses. No more wandering up to the bull pen to hang out and linger. No more tagging along to go to question suspects or watch interrogations. No more jokes with each other. In two weeks they had become the two people who hated each other from all those years ago, and it unnerved Jane to no end.

But Maura?

Every day Maura drove to work in her car, the air silent, thinking about how much this hurt. Sometimes she thought that maybe just forgetting all of this and going back to the relationship she did have with Jane would be better than this. Torturing Jane was slowly torturing herself. Torture was an appropriate term, because even though this had begun as a way to protect herself from what she felt for Jane, it had quickly become all about teaching Jane a lesson. And now? Now they barely spoke at all. They hardly referred to each other by their first names anymore, opting instead for Detective, or Detective Rizzoli, and Doctor, or Doctor Isles. There was no more fun, flirty banter. There was no more hugs and touches and lingering gazes that begged for someone to do something. The tension was no longer sexual, but instead cold and emotional. She began avoiding Jane altogether, even refusing to make eye contact with her if she ran into the brunette. She had removed all the songs from her library that reminded her of Jane, but then decided that she needed something, anything, to remind herself that Jane had actually been in her life. She was even avoiding Angela, and the older woman could see it. It hurt her heart, but as she had told Maura one afternoon, she understood.

_Angela watched from the door as Maura prepared dinner in her kitchen. As the blonde worked, she noticed that Maura had prepared enough food for two, probably something she was just accustomed to now. Angela frowned slightly to herself, hurt by watching Maura. She wanted to feel upset that Maura had done this to her daughter, but she couldn't. Maura was her daughter, too. She could also see how much Jane meant to her, and whether Jane admitted it or not, Angela could tell that Maura meant more to her daughter than Casey had in years. _

_Angela cleared her throat quietly, taking a step forward, causing Maura to jump and turn around to see her. She quickly turned back around, wiping at her eyes slightly and pausing the music that was playing throughout the kitchen. She grabbed the food and made her way to the kitchen island, smiling weakly at her third mother. _

"_Good evening, Angela. Would you care to join me for dinner? I seem to have made a bit too much. I'm not sure why, I know how much the appropriate portion size is for just one person. I just keep making little goofy mistakes," Maura rambled on, trying to avert Angela's attention from the small sniffles the medical examiner made between words and sentences. _

_Angela walked slowly up to Maura, reaching her and placing a hand on her forearm. "I'd love to join you, honey."_

_Maura looked up into Angela's eyes and what she saw floored her. In the dark eyes staring back at her she saw compassion and care and love that she didn't expect to see there after everything that had happened. Angela knew the entire story. Maura had told the family matriarch herself, and had ever since she had felt awkward around Angela. As she looked into the woman's eyes she couldn't help but imagine that what she had felt was simply one sided. As she felt the concern roll off of Angela in waves, she began to tear up once more, the salty drops of pain starting to roll gently down her cheeks. _

"_Angela, I'm sorry. I shouldn't.. I can't," and Maura broke, moving forward into Angela's open arms and hugging the woman as tightly as she could. She buried her face in chestnut hair and closed her eyes, not caring that her tears were dampening Angela's skin and shirt. _

_Angela rubbed her back, holding her second daughter tightly, trying to soothe her. She held Maura as she watched the normally composed medical examiner crack and break, slowly falling apart, the walls that had already started to fall crumbling. She knew Maura couldn't keep this charade up for much longer, and the fact that the woman was sobbing in her arms at that very moment showed Angela just how much Maura was hurting and how much she needed this. When Maura's sobs subsided and her shoulders finally stopped shaking, Angela eased back, still keeping Maura close to her, not even an arms distance away._

"_Let's eat, huh?" she asked quietly, smiling softly._

_Maura nodded, wiping at her eyes as she silently grabbed two plates and went to the stools at the counter, sitting in one and just staring at it. Angela watched her, her heart breaking as she watched Maura sit there and sniffle. She sighed softly, plating food and busying herself as she spoke. _

"_When Casey proposed I was so happy for her," Angela began, only to be cut off. _

"_Angela, please, can we just not talk about this tonight? I know she's your daughter, but-"_

"_Let me finish," Angela told her firmly, meeting bleary hazel. Her voice was strong and determined yet soft and calm, and it got Maura's attention, even unnerving her slightly. Maura nodded, signaling for Angela to continue. "When he proposed, I was so happy for my baby. I could see the wedding so perfectly and her eyes were lit up and she kept showing me the ring. I was so happy that she was happy."_

_Maura felt her throat clench up, forcing herself to not say a word as a new wave of tears flowed down her face._

"_But then she came over to show you, and I noticed she wasn't wearing the ring. I didn't understand why. You already knew, so it wasn't like a surprise. You were there when he proposed. We all were. So I couldn't figure it out. But then when I said something about the engagement in front of you to her, I saw how her face turned red and she dropped her eyes. I saw how you dropped yours, too," she told Maura quietly, plating her food and then setting it down, grabbing Maura's and plating a small amount._

"_I knew right then that this wouldn't be easy. For you or her. Over the past few months I've watched her shy away from Casey and glue herself back to you, but I've also watched as you put distance between yourself and Jane. And honestly, I can't blame you," Angela told her quietly, standing to go get two wine glasses and a bottle of wine. _

"_Why are you telling me this?" Maura asked, her voice barely audible._

_Angela sighed as she came back to the counter and set the wine and glasses down, bracing herself against the side with her hands as she tried to gather her thoughts. _

"_I have known for years that this dance you two have been doing would have to go somewhere. I just never knew it would be here," she admitted quietly, going back to her chair and sitting down. She picked up her fork and went to take a bite, only to look across from her at Maura as the blonde played with her food, moving it around with a fork. She set her own fork down and rested her hands in her lap, folding them, looking at her thumbs as she twiddled them. "Janie deserves everything that happens," Angela told her quietly. "But you need to realize that you messed up too, Maura."_

_Maura's eyes snapped up, her mouth slightly agape. "What the hell does that mean, Angela?"_

"_It means that for years she was right next to you, waiting, and you did nothing," Angela told her softly. "You kept her close by, but not close enough. You strung her along, just as she did the same thing to you. The only differences between yourself and Jane is that she got engaged and tried to move on, and you finally told her to her face how you feel."_

"_How was I supposed to know years ago that she would even consider being with me? How do I just tell the only friend I have ever had that I've fallen head over heels in love with her? I would have looked like a complete fool!" Maura snapped, dropping her head into her hand where her elbow rested on the counter. "Just like I look like a fool now," she mumbled._

"_Fools fall in love, Maura, but only the brave pursue it and fight for it."_

_Maura looked up, confused. "You want me to try to win her over?"_

_Angela bit her lip gently before looking up at Maura, smiling one sidedly. "I want you to make Janie see that she needs to grow a pair and come to terms with herself," Angela told her quietly. "Casey is a very sweet man, but you and I both heard her say herself while he was gone before they got engaged that she didn't like him once he was with her all the time. She doesn't like him domestic. She likes the Casey she remembers. The charming young man who was just entering the military. She sees in him all the things she remembers, and is trying to make it work with him so she can keep running from the truth."_

"_How do you know?"_

"_Janie..has always been different," Angela told Maura softly, smiling as she focused on her memories. "There are tomboys, sure, but I know for a fact that before Casey there was a Jennifer and a Jessie, both female. She called them Jay, and tried to hide it. But I knew. I always knew. She is too afraid of what I will say, of what others will say, to let herself see it, Maura. And maybe that's my fault," Angela told her quietly, a sad tone in her voice. "I pushed Catholicism down her throat. Made her go to mass. Wear dresses. Everything. Told her for years that the bible was against homosexuality. But that was because I never took the time to remember the most important rule of all sects of Christianity."_

"_And that is?"_

"_Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, and treat thy neighbor as thineself would like to be treated," Angela confessed. "I am not a sinless woman. I have met people who were gay and hated themselves every day for it. They were scared and confused and unwilling to be themselves, too busy focusing on how to change themselves to let allow happiness into their lives. Janie became one of those people, Maura," Angela told her, her voice wavering from tears. "I like Casey, I do, I love him like another son, but he doesn't make her happy the way you do," Angela sniffled as she wiped at her eyes, trying not to cry. "I may be an old woman, but I know love when I see it, and when she looks at you," Angela smiled sadly, laughing softly, "well it isn't how she looks at Casey anymore. Do what helps you. What makes you happy. But don't give up completely on Janie. Tough love is what's always worked best on her after all. Just be happy, Maura, and remember that regardless, you will always be family to me."_

"_Thank you."_

_Angela shrugged. "Jane may be my daughter, and I'll love her and support her and be happy for her no matter what. I'm happy for her now, but that doesn't mean I don't understand what you feel too."_

After that conversation, Maura had been avoiding Angela. Not because she didn't want to be around her, but because it hurt too much. It hurt too much to know that Angela would be totally fine with Maura loving her daughter, but was also okay with Jane marrying Casey. Maura looked at Angela and wanted to sob in her arms for hours, so she avoided her. She stayed strong, her head held high and her tears kept in private. She would get through this. She was Isles, and an Isles could survive anything.

It was with this temperament that Maura went to work every day and carried herself. She smiled at everyone, including Jane, but it wasn't the same smile she had given the detective once upon a time, and Jane noticed. The smile was no longer the one that met Maura's eyes and radiated out from her, warming Jane to her bones. It was a polite smile, one she had seen Maura used on donors at charity dinners and was never real. It wasn't a Maura Isles, for Jane only, smile. It was just another smile to another person, and it made Jane hurt.

Jane walked into the morgue, slowly approaching Maura's office door. She could feel her palms start to sweat as she finally reached the entrance way and came face to face with the white paint of the office door. She felt like she couldn't breathe and the room seemed smaller all of a sudden. It was so hot that Jane tugged at the collar of her oxford and began to fidget in her spot. She took a deep breath before knocking softly, straining her hearing and cringing, unsure if she wanted the woman on the other side to answer or not.

"Come in," she heard Maura mumble softly, the noise barely audible through the muffling barrier of the door.

Jane opened the door slowly and stepped inside, staying across the room and away from Maura. She watched as the woman typed on her laptop, her eyes red and puffy, evidence that she had cried recently. Jane felt her throat clench again.

"Hey," she greeted quietly.

"Detective," Maura answered coldly, her tone calm yet Jane could hear the anger and hurt underneath it.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go with us to get a drink at the Robber?"

"I have plans."

"Oh. Hot date?" Jane tried to joke.

"Yes."

"Oh," Jane replied, shocked. "Uhm, that's cool. It should be fun."

"I hope so," Maura answered coldly, shutting her laptop and standing. She finally looked up and met Jane's eyes, the same pain from her voice evident in dark, angry hazel. "Anything else, Detective Rizzoli?"

Jane swallowed thickly. "Maura, how long is this going to last?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Yes you do. You're freezing out. You're even avoiding my Ma. You're avoiding the guys. I know that we're going through a rough patch, but—"

"A rough patch?" Maura spat, the words like venom on her tongue. "That's what you see this as?"

"I…yes?"

"Grow a fucking back bone, Jane," Maura growled. "Is that what you see this as? Some petty incident that should blow over in enough time for me to be your maid of honor?"

Jane just stared at her. Maura shook her head, scoffing.

"You're a piece of work, you know that."

"Me? I'm a piece of work?" Jane asked, fury rising up inside of her. "Who the hell goes to someone AFTER they're happily engaged and decides to tell them they're in love with them? Huh? Who the fuck thinks it is a good idea to do shit like that?"

"I do!" Maura yelled, slamming her hands down, angry tears in her eyes. "And at least I had the balls to say something."

"Look at Miss Isles, slipping up. Such a classy lady shouldn't use such trashy language."

Maura scoffed. "You of all people should know that there is more than one side to me."

"Yeah, and I hate the one I'm seeing now."

"Then you can just ignore her!" Maura yelled. "You look at me and see prim and proper Maura now. It's all you see. You see the crazy woman who is trying to wreck your life. What about the woman who led two detectives to you and saved you when some madman took you and broadcast what he was doing to you online? What about the woman who stopped your bleeding and kept you safe during Hoyt and every other goddamn incident you've been through? The woman who went through a collapsing building to save you? And Casey? What was he doing during all of this? Oh, I forgot, he was never fucking here!"

"You know—"

"I know that I am sick of your bullshit excuses for him. I said I would try and be your friend. This is me trying to make that work, Jane. I can't go out with you and sit there with the three of you and know that it won't be much longer until I'm alone all over again. I told you things would change," Maura told her harshly, "this is it changing. Deal with it."

"How?"

"I don't know. That's for you to figure out. Now," Maura held her hand out, giving Jane her apartment key. "This is yours. I don't need it anymore."

Jane felt tears in her eyes as she stared at it. She pulled out her key ring and removed Maura's key, handing it over. "Here. And you keep that," Jane told her quietly. "I want you to keep it."

"Too bad. I don't want to have it anymore."

Maura put it back in Jane's hand and walked past her, grabbing her coat off the coat rack. She turned to look at Jane, her expression cold and empty.

"I'm not trying to be the bitch that everyone thinks I am, but if I ever want to be myself again, I have to keep you at a distance. You made your bed. Lie in it."

"I will. With Casey by my side," Jane snapped.

Maura scoffed, shaking her head. "Yeah, until he leaves you again. But next time, I am not picking up the pieces. You chose him. You made it perfectly clear that I am nothing compared to him. So you can handle it on your own. Beisdes," her tone became sad as she looked at the floor, "I'm just another person you don't trust enough to put faith in."

And Maura left, leaving a stunned Jane behind. The detective stood there a moment before sinking into the floor, squaring at first before letting herself collapse in the floor, her head in her hands as she closed her eyes and tried to figure out how to fix this huge mess.

* * *

A/N: Maura Isles may seem perfect, but everyone can be pushed too far. I tend to write her as more aggressive when angry, because I relate to her a lot, and when I'm angry, I go from so sweet and kind, to well, that. Another update will be up soon! :)


	8. A Note From Your Very Sorry Author

Hello!

So to anyone still following this, I haven't given up. I already have two chapters finished and approved by my Beta to post and am almost done with Chapter IX. I have been extremely busy with school and work, and have also been sick for the past four days. Sinus headaches and pressure sitting behind my eyes makes it difficult to write. But! Fear not, because I am writing and will hopefully update soon. My free trial of Microsoft Word expired so I am downloading open office today. So don't give up on me yet! I even have a friend designing a cover image for this. Therapy is my baby, and I have already outlined where I want it to go from here, and how. I also have decided that if the response if strong enough, it will be part of a series. So! Updates should be up soon, as long as the cold medicines don't effect my ability to focus.

Sorry for the update that wasn't an update!

-Me


	9. Blowing Kisses and Saying No

Therapy VIII: Blowing Kisses and Saying No

A/N: Who thought I gave up or just fell of the earth? Yeah, me too. I almost did give up. BUT. Any who.

I feel like I've focused on just Jane's demons. Here are some of Maura's. **Warning:** This covers some stuff I think happened in Killer in High Heels. To be honest, I feel like Maura was sexually assaulted, but they didn't want to go there, so they said no signs of forced acts were found. So, if that bothers you, don't read this chapter. I won't go into detail about the assault, but you'll know that the topic is indeed being discussed.

As usual, I don't own 'em. Just using the tails for the tale.

_She could feel his hands. They were all over her. She could feel her skin crawl as she felt his breath on her neck and his hands roaming up her sides. She whimpered softly, her brows furrowing over closed eyes as she tried to figure out what was going on through the haze in her mind. She felt herself slipping in and out of consciousness and could see the reality in front of her that she needed to fixate on. She tried to move, to get up, and found she couldn't a heavy weight pinning her down. She reached out with her hand and felt a clothed abdomen, definitely male, and her brow furrowed more, confusion and fear washing all over her. Suddenly her eyes shot open as she pushed away from her, trying to get the man away. _

"_Shh, it's okay," an obviously male voice whispered, taking her wrists and holding them in one hand, pinning them above her head. _

"_No," she mumbled, feeling his free hand roam over her thigh and push up her skirt. "No," she pleaded. "Stop!"_

"_I SAID be quiet," the voice barked next to her ear, the tone angry and unfeeling. _

_Maura struggled, squirming and fighting against the grasp until one punch caused her to stop talking. Maura slammed her eyes shut, biting her lip until it bled, feeling the disgusting sensations that ran over her body. Hands gliding over her, the sound of a zipper, and the eerie silence that followed. She could hear the man's smirk in the silence and felt bile rise in her throat. She pulled against the hand holding her wrists once more and struggled to move, trying to kick out from underneath him. She could feel the leather of the back seat of a car press into her bare lower back and arched up, trying to buck the man off of her. He didn't move. He merely pressed into her harder._

"_No!" She screamed. "Let me go! I said let me fucking go! Don't touch me!" She kept screaming and moving, refusing to let this happen to her. _

_She felt the man struggle to keep her still before the smack stung her face. She whimpered but instantly fell silent and went back to biting her lip. She felt him positioning himself, and she cringed, tears stinging her eyes. She couldn't believe this was happening. She had to fight back. _

"_No," she murmured. "No. No. No. NO!" She screamed, lunging forward and headbutting the man on top of her. She heard him yelp and he moved off of her, cradling his head in his hands. _

_She felt her fight or flight response kick in, the adrenaline coursing through her, as she moved quickly, trying to get out of the back seat and the car. Then she heard it. The breaking of glass and another person. Fear fueled her further and she began to cry more, reaching for the door handle but finding it locked. She scrambled over the console and up to the passenger seat, falling into it as she tried to rip the door handle open. She felt an arm grab her and she screamed, turning to face her captor._

Maura woke up, her heart hammering in her chest and her mouth open in a silent scream. Her hands were shaking and her whole body trembled as if she were shivering in the cold. Her breathing was uneven and she felt faint, as if she was about to black out. She was lying in the middle of her bed, her sheets tossed everywhere and a pillow missing from the bed altogether. The spot on the mattress around her felt damp from the cold sweat that covered her body and her head was pounding. Her cheek stung from where she could still feel the slap used to subdue her, and her skin crawled, goosebumps everywhere. She felt sick, and she jumped out of bed and ran to her connected bathroom, lifting the toilet lid and falling to her knees as she puked. She gripped the cold porcelain, her arms shaking from holding her up, as she gagged a few more times, crying. She wanted the nightmares to stop. She wanted to move on. Most importantly, at this moment, she just wanted someone to hold her and tell her everything was okay; that she would survive this.

When she felt like the nausea had subsided she reached up and flushed the toilet, closing the lid and sliding back down into the floor, leaning against the wall. She leaned her head back, tucking her legs up and curling into herself, hugging her legs to her chest. She stayed that way for a moment, trying to calm herself, tears flowing freely down her face, until she shifted her position. She moved into a comfortable seated position, back straight and shoulders relaxed, legs crossed, taking deep, practiced breaths. She stayed that way, meditating silently, trying to expel the horrible images from her mind. She couldn't quite push them out of her head, but she felt her blood pressure drop and her body gradually calm down. After ten minutes she stood up slowly, walking to the sink. She looked in the mirror and hardly recognized herself. She was pale and looked so broken, so unlike her normally put together self. She needed to change something, anything, and the changes she was making, weren't helping.

She went back to her room splashing cold water on her face and grabbed her phone off the night stand. She slid the unlock bar and went straight to her favorites. Instinctively, she went straight to Jane's name, the text reading _Detective Roly Poly._ Maura smiled softly to herself, remembering Jane's reaction to that being her name in the doctor's phone. Jane had retaliated by making Maura's name _Doctor Poindexter. _ Maura sat there, reveling in her memories, happy to just let herself remember the good times for once. She sighed to herself. She needed to talk to Jane. She needed to fix things with the detective some how, some way. She needed Jane in her life, but she also needed Jane to understand where she was coming from.

Maura shook her head, pulling herself out of that place and as she stared at the name, she instinctively pressed it, listening as it rang once, then twice. Maura's eyes widened as she quickly hung up and then set the phone down, staring at it. She couldn't talk to Jane right now. She knew Jane would still help her through everything, but right now Maura felt strange going to Jane for help. So she called the next best person.

Doctor Amy Chapman. The psychologist picked up on the second ring, answering with sleep still in her voice.

"Hello?"

"Amy? It's me," Maura told the woman. "Doctor Isles. Maura."

"Maura? Is everything okay?"

"I…I shouldn't have called."

"No, what is it?"

Maura swallowed thickly. "I remember. I remember everything. And I'm dreaming about it."

Doctor Chapman remained silent for a moment, the only sound shuffling coming from the other end of the line. She heard a door shut before Amy spoke again, her voice not as quiet as before.

"Tell me what you dreamt about."

"He…was all over me. I," Maura paused, swallowing thickly, "I was in the back seat of the car. He was pinning me down. He was trying… He tried to rape me," Maura choked out, her throat closing up around the words.

"Did he succeed?"

"No."

"Okay, Maura, listen to me. That dream, was just that. A dream. This is something you have yet to face, and you need to, but I need you to listen to me. Other than me, who usually helps you through these thigns?"

Maura remained silent.

"That's what I thought. That's probably why you're having this dream. You haven't spoken to Jane about it, and you haven't spoken to me. It's sitting on your mind, fighting to be recognized. Maura, you need to know that nothing that happened to you was your fault. At all. Please don't think it is. Everyone is the victim at some point. This wasn't your fault, and this dream is natural. Next session, we're going to talk for two hours, and I want you to just talk. About absolutely anything. Okay? We need to face this. I want to help you."

"How do I make it stop?" Maura asked quietly after a moment.

"Make what stop?"

"The feeling that he's still on top of me. That his hands are on me."

Amy remained silent, the air heavy over the line, the doctor unsure of what to say.

"You believe that you did what you could, Maura, and you talk to me about it. I want you to come see me tomorrow if you can. Okay? Until then, I want you to go do something that is mindless. Something easy. Something fun. Okay? And then try and get some sleep. What he did to you is not your fault. Don't think that it is."

Maura nodded, not remembering that Amy couldn't actually see her. "Okay."

"See you tomorrow?"

Maura nodded again. "Yes."

Maura said good night and hung up, the silence settling around her and automatically making her feel uncomfortable. She sighed and slid on a robe over the BPD shirt she wore and yoga shorts. She went down stairs, turning on lights as she went. She entered the kitchen and started making tea, going to the island and turning on her laptop. She pulled up a blank word document and stared at the blinking icon. No one knew that when Maura Isles felt trapped in her own mind, she wrote it out. A speech therapist had told her once that it would help her with how fluidly she spoke. Words were powerful, and if she could finally work them out on paper, then speaking, especially when her anxiety level was high, would begin to come more naturally. So she poured her tea and then went back to the counter, sitting in a stool, and she began to type.

She typed out twenty five pages of everything. Jane, the night she now remembered, how she felt about Hope, and at the end, more Jane. She typed out her fears, her regrets, her deepest secrets and her worst nightmares. When she got to the one she had just endured, her hands froze momentarily before she began typing again, tears burning her eyes. She typed out how she felt violated and disgusted and as if her entire world was no longer the same. She felt afraid and alone and like she could still feel that man's hands on her body, running up her thighs and over her torso. She could feel him holding her wrists down and his breath on her neck. She felt her hands begin moving faster as if typing this out could get it away from her mind and body, and twenty five pages later, she felt better. She sipped her tea, her eyes reading over everything that she had just poured out into the document before her, shocked by how blunt and candid she was within those pages. As she read them, she decided to take it with her tomorrow to see Amy, maybe this would help Amy see what she was dealing with.

As Maura sat at the island, she heard the side door in the kitchen that lead to the guest house open up, her attention jerking that way as she watched Angela walk in. The older woman donned her custom red and white stripped pajamas and a fuzzy white robe, her hair in a messy bun. She smiled softly, sleep in her eyes and on her face. She walked up to Maura, placing a hand on her lower back and noticing how Maura flinched at the contact.

"What's wrong, sweet heart?"

Maura shook her head. "Nothing. It was just a dream."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Maura sat frozen for a moment.

"Yes," she murmured. "But I don't know if I can."

"What's it about, honey?"

"The night," Maura hesitated, unsure of how to continue. "The night that someone used me to kill a man."

Angela frowned, automatically feeling her own stomach twist into knots. "When you're ready."

Maura nodded. "I know."

Angela sighed softly, sitting next to Maura. "How are things with Janie?"

"Not very well. Our last personal interaction didn't go as smoothly as hoped."

"What happened?"

"She yelled at me, I yelled at her, I gave her the key to her apartment back and took my house key back."

"Oh," Angela murmured. "That explains a lot."

Maura looked at her, curious. "What do you mean?"

Angela sighed, pulling her phone out of the pocket on her robe and setting it on the counter. "She called me five times. I slept through the first four, and she left me four voicemails. I answered on the fifth. She was worried. She said you called her, and she didn't want to call you back, but since it was so late, she was worried."

Maura stared at the phone, unsure of how she felt. This showed Jane cared, a lot, but it wasn't enough. Maybe it could be a start. She missed her best friend. But she was still hurting.

"Can I..?"

Angela nodded. "I think you should." She stood and kissed Maura's head, hugging her. "I'm going back to bed. Just leave the phone on the counter."

Angela walked out the door, locking the side door behind her as she went. Maura sat there, staring at the phone, unsure of how she felt. She sighed as she picked up the phone and went to the voicemail option. She hesitated, looking at how Jane's name was shown four times in the visible voicemail box. She pressed the first and held the phone to her ear, listening.

_Ma? MA! Wake up! Maura just called me but she hung up before I could answer it. I don't know what's going on and after what happened a few days ago, and everything that has happened between us, I don't think she wants to see me. I…was an asshole to her. Please check on her, will ya?"_

Maura bit her lip and went to the next.

_Ma, please, pick up your phone. I don't know what's going on but Maura isn't usually awake at two am. It may be nothing, but please, I'm really worried, and I would come over but she took my key. I don't wanna scare her. Please, go check on her._

_MA! What the hell? You could sleep through an earthquake! Have you went and checked on Maura yet? Please Ma?_

Maura sighed to herself as she stared at the last voice mail, hesitating before pressing it.

_Ma, I'm coming over. I need to talk to Maura, and something is wrong. I can feel it. Can you please wake her up, check on her, something? I need to make sure she's okay, no matter how much she hates me._

Maura froze when she heard Jane's voice say she was coming over. She checked the phone and saw that it was left only fifteen minutes ago. Maura felt her stomach drop and her heart rise into her throat. She wanted to see Jane, but at the same time, she didn't. Jane was being an ass to her, and Maura didn't know if she could forgive Jane right now. She wanted to, she wanted to forgive her and find peace, but at the same time, she wanted to push Jane out of her life, just as Jane had pushed Maura out upon discovering how the blonde felt.

Maura's train of thought was cut off by a knock at her door. Her eyes went wide and she froze, just staring in the direction of the entry way. She slowly rose and stood, pushing away from the stool and making her way towards the door. She stared at the frosted glass, her hand on the door knob, trying to decide what to do.

"Maura, I know you're standing there. Please," Jane pleaded, "let me in."

Maura took a deep breath and slowly turned the door knob, opening the main door. She reached for the screen door and opened it, meeting the sight of one Jane Rizzoli standing on her front porch in her pajamas and a light weight jacket.

"Detective," she greeted cooly, but not cruelly, unsure of where this was going.

"Maura," Jane replied softly, shifting from one foot to the other. "I saw that you called, but it only rang like twice before you hung up. I couldn't get to my phone on the bedside table in time."

"Yeah, I grabbed my phone and called you by," Maura froze, knowing she couldn't lie. "Instinct. I called you by instinct. I would say accident, and I guess it was, but at the same time I know it wasn't."

"What happened?"

Maura shook her head. "It was nothing."

"Maura," Jane pleaded softly. "Talk to me. Please."

Maura sighed, resting her head against the door as she looked at Jane. "Why should I?"

"Because you were right," Jane told her quietly. "I am a piece of work. I took something beautiful that you told me, and I treated it like trash," Jane confessed, looking at the ground before forcing herself to look up and meet Maura's eyes. "I shut you out and I treated you like shit. I said things to you I never should have. I have hurt you so badly over the last two weeks, well, three I guess, that I deserve everything you are doing to me. I deserve to lose your friend ship and for you to hate me. But regardless of what you think of me, I need you to know that I am sorry. I am so sorry, Maura."

Maura listened to Jane's words, unsure of how to take them. "Sorry for what?"

"For the things I said, and how I said them. For leaving you standing in the middle of the street in the rain because I didn't have the guts to look you in the eye and listen to what you said and tell you that," Jane swallowed nervously. "That you're right. That I cannot look at you and say I don't feel something. Because I do. But, I don't know what to do. I love Casey, I really do. I love him so much that it surprises me. But you," Jane shook her head at herself. "You are something entirely different and it scares the hell outta me. And when you told me what you did that night," Jane shook her head at herself again, running her hands through her hair. "I shut you out and I hurt you. You threw the not so unexpected but still surprising at me, and I just …I hurt you. And I'm sorry. You aren't trashy. You aren't some fragile girl. You are … just amazing, Maura. And I'm sorry." Jane looked at Maura, tears in her dark eyes. "And no matter what happens between us, I will always be here for you. I know things need to change for you to be okay, but, I need you to promise me something. Please?"

Maura looked at her, skeptical. "What is it?"

"That you'll let me help you. That you'll let me make this up to you. Because you deserve better."

Maura took in Jane's appearance, took in her words, and felt her inner self fight to figure out what she wanted to do. She wanted to move on and be happy, but she knew she never could, not entirely. She couldn't just shut Jane out. So she made a decision. She would start small.

"Jane, you need to realize that I need time."

"I know."

"I need time to let the things you said to me pass. I need time to let myself be okay with you not…being mine."

Jane swallowed thickly, looking at her feet. She wanted to say something, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. "Okay."

Maura bit her lip, taking in how Jane suddenly looked defeated. "Let's start with meeting in the morning for coffee before work. Okay?"

Jane nodded. "Okay."

Maura smiled softly, picking her head up off of the door. "We should get some sleep."

Jane nodded. "Yeah. See you tomorrow?"

Maura nodded slightly, smiling one sidedly. "See you tomorrow. And Jane?"

Jane turned around to look at Maura from where the detective had begun to walk away. "Yeah?"

"Don't make me look like a fool," Maura told her quietly. "I don't give second chances. So don't take this for granted."

Jane nodded. "I know. I won't"

And Maura shut the door, turning and leaning against it, a small hole in her heart feeling a little less deep and empty.

A/N: Maura will be discussing her issues with Amy next chapter. We will see Jane and Maura get a little closer. And someone will be back soon. Though we hate him, he'll help Jane and Maura in a way that might surprise you. People keep saying that they don't know how much more of this they can take. Trust me, I don't know either, but at the same time, these are two broken people who have put themselves in one hell of a situation. They WILL get out of it together, you just have to give it a little more time.


	10. Almost is Still Too Close

Therapy IX: Almost is Still Too Close; Stressors and Triggers.

A/N: Warning for possible triggers. Maura will be discussing her dream, even if it does seem brief.  
I still don't own them. College still sucks. You still get updates because I don't sleep.

In honor of Doctor Amy Chapman, I feel it is only fair we do a guess who for her, as well! So, here are some hints: she starred in a prior role on a popular, long running crime show as a lawyer, and the ADA she played was mentioned in The Moment; she has beautiful blue eyes and blonde hair, and at one point was brunette; she does a lot of work for One Kid One World; and last but not least, I chose her because she's a fellow Texan, like Angie, and I feel her personality suited Maura well. Who is Amy Chapman based off of? I'll be waiting to see who gets it! :D

Maura sat in her chair in Amy's office, looking at the stack of papers she had printed off. She thumbed through them, suddenly thinking that this was a bit too much. Why did she think this was a good idea? Why didn't she just tell Amy to her face what was going on? Why did she type it out into twenty five pages at two in the morning? She sighed to herself as she looked up and met Amy's gaze where the blonde haired woman had been staring at her with a calm yet piercing blue gaze for the past five minutes.

"Maura? Do you think you can do this?"

Maura chewed on her lip, looking at the papers again. "I think I have to."

Amy looked at the stack of papers, motioning towards them. "What is that?"

"Everything," Maura answered her honestly. "It's everything that I couldn't get off of my mind last night. That I can't get off my mind ever."

"Do you want to start going through it?"

Maura nodded, "Yes. I do."

"Where do you want to start? Remember, we have tons of time, and if needed, I can arrange for there to be more."

"The dream," Maura told her quietly. "I want to start there."

Amy nodded slowly, knowing that Maura probably wanted to get the hardest things out of the way first. "Go ahead."

Maura flipped into the stack of paper until she found the right page, around page seven, and began to read, her voice soft, barely audible.

"I can feel him all over me. He's everywhere all at once. His hands run over my body, and I feel my skin crawl. It feels as if there is ice stabbing through my skin and entering my system, and I want to scream, but I refuse to. I refuse to let him hear me scream, for him to hear my fear." Maura paused, clearing her throat slightly, her grip on the paper growing tighter. "I feel his breath on my skin. I feel him pushing my skirt up, and I feel ashamed and angry. For letting myself get into this position, and for not being able to get out of it, respectively. I struggle to get away, and he forces me down. I know I don't have enough time. I can hear him telling me it'll be okay as he prepares himself. I feel sick. My brain screams for me to get up and get out of here, but I can't. It's when he hits me, he strikes me and I feel my rage bubble up and I react with my own violence. Afterwards, I try to break free. If I weren't terrified I would know every chemical reaction going through my body, causing me to react. I know it's because my adrenaline has kicked in and led to my fight or flight instinct, which is a psychological and physiological response that dates back to prehistoric times. But in that moment, I can't tell you any of that, because I can't focus. All I can hear is my brain screaming at me to run. And what angers me more is that I got away because a man lost his life. A man died, so I could keep mine. And I feel that should bother me, but I'm alive and well and it doesn't, because I'm safe, even if I am scarred."

Maura finished reading and looked up, waiting to see Amy's reaction. The psychologist was jotting down notes, and when she finished she looked up at Maura, concern in her features.

"Maura, you should not feel guilty for anything that happened. You are alive today because you fought and got free. The fact that someone came along and did a very evil deed does not mean that it's your fault."

"I lived because the man who tried to rape me died."

"You lived because what goes around comes around," Amy told her quietly. "The world works in very strange ways, Maura. But you cannot blame yourself for what happened that night. You didn't know any of that was going to happen. It is not your fault. You feel like a victim, and as a person who craves control, that bothers you, but that is common. You are not at fault, Maura. You did nothing wrong."

Maura stared at the floor, listening to Amy's words. Trying to believe them. The more the woman told her it wasn't her fault, the more she wanted to believe it, but the less she could.

"Did you know I tried to make Jane leave with him?"

"I didn't."

"Well, I did," Maura told the woman watching her intently. "I thought it would be good for her."

"That doesn't mean you deserved this, Maura."

"What if it would have been her?" Maura asked quietly.

"Maura, we will never know the answer to that question. But it wasn't her. And you came out of this okay. He didn't rape you, correct?"

"No. But almost is close enough."

"That's very true. But you were spared something that most women would not have been. This is not your fault. You need to believe that."

"I wish I could."

"Maura, something had to trigger this dream. You haven't been having them for about a month, correct?" Maura nodded. "So what stressor led to this?"

Maura thought for a moment before asking, "Could it be anything at all?"

"It could, but it would most likely be something pertaining to the incident itself. An incident with a person directly involved or.." Amy's voice trailed off as she watched Maura blush. She softened her tone as she asked, "What happened with Jane?"

"We had a huge another argument a few days ago," Maura told her. "I gave her the key to her apartment back and we basically haven't spoken at all unless it is work related."

"What happened?"

"We just…blew up at each other. She was an ass. I was an ass. It just... it wasn't pretty."

"How did that work out?"

"Before I called you last night, I called Jane out of reflex. She's always who I go to when something is wrong."

"Did she answer?"

"I hung up before she could."

"Did she call back?"

"She called her mom and asked Angela to check on me since she knew I wouldn't want her there."

"And?"

"And Angela did," Maura stated, confused.

"No, did you want her there?"

"In that moment, that was honestly all I wanted," Maura whispered, almost ashamed at herself for wanting someone who she should have hated at that moment, and even now.

"Do you think Jane would have wanted to be there?"

"She came to my house."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Maura told her softly, smiling sadly. "She apologized. For everything. She wants to try and fix things."

Amy took Maura in and could see the woman before her was torn.

"Maura, I realize that you are hurt because of what Jane did to you, and your reaction is justified in every way. But, has separating yourself from her hurt you, or helped you?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes."

"It's hurt me worse than most things have in my life."

"Jane came to your house, willingly, after you called her, knowing that there was a chance, a strong chance, that you wouldn't see her. In Jane''s own way, I think she's trying."

"We met for coffee this morning."

"Did it go smoothly?"

"It did."

"Did you talk?"

"We did," Maura told her before recounting the morning's events.

_Maura sat at the table, waiting on Jane. She stirred the coffee in front of her slowly, lost in thought. She hoped she and Jane could fix things. She really did. She missed Jane, and even though she hated the thought of Jane marrying Casey, if that happened, Maura needed to be able to live with Jane in her life, so this was where she was going to start. She was so lost in thought she didn't notice Jane approach the table and sit down across from her, a cup of coffee between her hands._

"_Good morning," she greeted softly._

_Maura looked up at Jane, startled at first, and then smiled softly, almost nervously._

"_Good morning."_

"_Did you get any sleep?"_

"_No," Maura told her truthfully._

"_Me neither," Jane answered, looking at the cup in front of her. "Maura, I meant what I said last night," Jane continued softly. "I really am sorry. I can never take back what I said to you. Ever. But I can try every day to make it up to you. I was…a bitch. A cold, heartless bitch. And I shouldn't have treated you that way." Jane hesitated before adding softly, "And I meant what I said when I told you that you were right."_

"_About?" _

"_I can't say that I feel nothing," Jane told her softly. "Because that would be a lie. And I am so tired of lying."_

_Maura took Jane in, observing how the brunette fidgeted in her seat. "What do you mean?"_

"_I mean that," Jane sighed. "I mean that.. Maura, I've been seeing a psychologist for around two months or so now," Jane confessed. "I've been seeing him to try and figure things out. Settle some demons, find some peace, and figure myself out."_

"_Is it working?"_

"_A little too well," Jane said, laughing half-heartedly. "But he told me during one of my appointments, after I had disclosed some things to him, that until Casey comes home, I am to reevaluate what I picture my wedding day being."_

"_Oh," Maura murmured, confused._

"_He told me to picture who each person was. And," Jane paused, looking up at Maura weakly, "I can't picture my groom anymore."_

_Maura stared at Jane, shocked. "You..what?"_

"_I can't picture who I'm marrying anymore," Jane confirmed, spinning the coffee in front of her between her hands. "When I started doing this, I could picture it perfectly. You as my maid of honor, Ma and Pa there, Casey waiting for me at the end of the aisle, but for the last few weeks, I just.. I can't anymore."_

"_Why the last few weeks?"_

"_Because for weeks now we have been basically each other's worst enemy, and that means that you haven't been in my life. I've been treating you like shit because I want to be mad at you. I want to be so angry with you over what you've said. But I can't be."_

"_Why?"_

"_Because you're right," Jane told her friend truthfully. "When Casey waltzed back into my life, when he proposed to me, I jumped on it, not taking into consideration the fact that he comes and goes as he pleases, expecting me to just be here when he gets back. Part of me hates the person I become when he's around. I thought it was just because I loved him. But, how can I love someone I never see anymore?" Jane asked softly, more to herself than the good doctor in front of her. "You were right about everything, and I wanted to hate you for it, but I couldn't and I can't."_

_Maura brushed her thumb over the lid of the coffee cup in her hands, suddenly very interested in the cardboard material. "So where do we go from here?"_

"_If you're willing to," Jane began, now messing with the scar in the palm of her hand. "I would like to try to get back to us. I know," Jane started, holding her hand up, "That as long as I maintain my engagement and stay with Casey, it won't be exactly the same. And I understand that. But I want us to at least try to be friends again, Maura. I want to work out together and eat lunch together and irritate the hell out of you while you do an autopsy and drag you around with me to interrogate people even though there is no reason for you to be there," Jane told Maura, smiling softly. "I want to fix this."_

_Maura considered Jane's words. She looked at Jane, and she could see the sincerity in dark eyes. She could see the hurt and the pleading and the honesty and she wanted to go through with this, but first she needed to hear Jane say something._

"_Under one condition."_

"_Anything."_

"_I need to know why you won't put faith in me and trust me," Maura told her._

"_I do trust you," Jane argued._

"_No, you don't. Not like you used to and definitely not in the way I'm talking about."_

_Jane fidgeted in her chair, suddenly realizing what Maura meant. "You want to know why I never told you how I felt about you. Even if it was just…the tiniest of feelings."_

_Maura nodded. "Yes, I do."_

_Jane sighed, running her fingers through wild, unruly hair. "Because I don't trust myself." Jane told her. "I don't trust myself to make this decision whole heartedly, because I still feel so torn. I will always love Casey in some way," she said, smiling sadly, "But while I'm with Casey, I still lo-"Jane cut herself off, blushing as she finished with, "feel something for you."_

"_Don't you think that's potentially problematic for a marriage?"_

"_I do. Which is why," Jane chewed on her lip, "Which is why I plan on talking to Casey when he gets back. I need to talk to him. To tell him what's going on. Because it isn't fair to either of you."_

_Maura looked Jane over, still skeptical._

"_Jane, what brought on this sudden change?"_

"_It isn't sudden," Jane told her quietly. "I have wanted to do this since you left me sitting in your office three days ago after chewing my ass out and making me see that I was, am, being a dick."_

"_Why didn't you say something before last night?"_

"_Because you needed time. So did I."_

_Maura sighed, shaking her head slightly. "Jane, do you think we can fix this?"_

"_I do."_

"_Why?"_

_Jane looked into her eyes. "Because I refuse to just let this end like this," she said firmly. "I refuse to be a complete asshole and push you out of my life because I can't handle my shit. I refuse to keep hurting you and trying to pretend I don't care."_

_Maura saw the truth in Jane's eyes and despite the part of her screaming not to listen, she smiled softly and said, "Okay. But," she said, pointing her finger at Jane. "This is your last chance. There are no more after this."_

_Jane nodded, "I know. And I hope I don't need another one."_

Amy listened to Maura finish retelling the story and sat there, watching the other blonde.

"Do you think she means it?"

Maura shrugged slightly. "She seemed to."

"So that's it?"

"No, that isn't 'it,'" Maura told her. "If I want to fix things, I have to put some faith in her at some point."

"And if she doesn't put any in you?"

"Then that's it. I'm done."

"Do you think she understands that?"

"I guess we'll see."

"Maura, this sudden change bothers me."

"You know," Maura told Amy, twiddling her thumbs. "At one point, it would have bothered me, too."

"What changed?"

"I realized that sometimes, you have to trust people, regardless of their prior record."

"And that stands with Jane?"

"Yes."

"And if she hurts you again?"

"Then I guess cold, seething Maura comes back. Look, I'm still going to try and help myself. I've been on a few dates actually, in the last couple weeks. But Jane, she's always going to be someone I want in my life."

"Do you think she wants you in hers?"

"From what I've learned about Jane, she wouldn't have some to me if she didn't."

"I hope this works out," Amy told her, concerned.

"Yeah," Maura murmured, "me too."

A/N: The road to Rizzles recovery has begun. Which means, yes, we are getting close to Rizzles. Close enough I can taste it. I don't think there will be too much more of this one, guys. But, you know, once there's a Rizzles ending, there would always be a sequel…. But it isn't time for that yet. Not quiiiiite yet.


	11. Getting From There to Here to Now

Therapy X: Diffusing the Situation; Or, Getting From There to Here to Now.

A/N: I used to know what sleep was. I really did. But now I think it's an unnecessary human need that is all in our minds. Anyways, here's another chapter! Enjoy! Still don't own them. Or it as a whole. But I do own a biology book, and I wish I didn't. I would also like to apologize once again for falling off the face of the earth because I have missed writing this as much as you have missed reading it (I hope).

It had been almost three weeks since Jane and Maura had met for coffee that morning and talked, and Jane was honestly trying. In the past few weeks Jane and Maura had discussed what tore them apart, and from it, they had begun to learn what to do to fix it. They weren't quite back to the touchey, feely place they were before, and Jane could understand that. They bantered and joked and played around, but it was still timid and strained and Jane knew why. Casey was due back in another two weeks, his deployment having been extended, and that meant that their wedding date was moving closer. The topic didn't come up. It wasn't discussed. Jane knew that right now, there were things that would hurt Maura too much to fix, and that was one of them.

So Jane worked on fixing it, while also giving Maura her space. Maura had been on a couple more dates, but each one left her feeling the same, empty. She cold smile and talk and get through it okay. She could manage to enjoy herself some and laugh at all the jokes. But she couldn't shake Jane. She didn't want anyone else right now. Sure, she wasn't whole by any means, and part of her thought that maybe, just maybe, Jane wasn't whole either. Little did Maura know how right she was.

Every day Jane would reflect on what had happened between herself and Maura. Lying in bed at night she would replay all the hateful things she had said to Maura. She would replay that night in Maura's office when Maura had told her that the brunette had made her bed, now it was time to lie in it, and Jane had fired back, _I will, and with Casey beside me. _ She could still see in her mind's eye the pain that had inflicted upon Maura, and in that moment, Jane knew she had gone way too far. She had hurt someone that she cared about so badly that Jane had fully accepted responsibility by the time she had sank down into the floor in Maura's office. She could still remember going straight home that night and lying on her couch, her bed too cold to face at that moment.

_Jane stared at the ceiling, all the lights off except for a lamp in the corner of the room. Jane didn't do complete darkness anymore, and she didn't do total silence either, the TV on but turned down, barely audible, but still there none the less. She stared at the ceiling and she hated herself as she replayed all the things she had said to Maura and how hateful she had been. From the beginning of this huge fuck up all she had done was blame Maura, but was it honestly the good doctor's fault? What had Maura done that was actually so wrong? She had told Jane the truth about how she felt. She had gathered the guts to do what Jane still couldn't do, even now, and for some reason, Jane wanted to be mad about that. She wanted to resent Maura for everything she said, because each thing that came out of the doctor's mouth was true. _

_Casey didn't know her, and if Jane were honest, she didn't know Casey._

_Casey hadn't been there for Hoyt the first, second, or third time, or when Hoyt had managed to make his way back into Jane's life through a copycat killer. He hadn't been there for her nightmares after being abducted by a sociopath who thought she was his wife. He hadn't been there, not truly, when she shot herself. He hadn't been there to watch her rise up and conquer demon after demon. He hadn't even been there for the good things. To watch her Ma move on with Cavanaugh, to see TJ get baptized, to watch Frankie become detective, to see Jane be awarded for her selfless act, even if shooting herself hadn't been the best idea. He had been in and out of her life for so long that in reality, all Casey knew was the Jane he had left behind the first time and whatever she could manage to squeeze into a conversation over Skype that was timed and monitored by the armed forces. When he did come home, it wasn't for very long, and even then he didn't ask much about her. He spent time with her, yes. He was good to her. He loved her. But he always left again, time after time, and expected Jane to just be okay. _

_When he was wounded, he pushed her away, claiming it was out of shame, even when she had begged him to let her stay by his side. When she had ran out of his apartment, yelling over her shoulder that she couldn't wait for him, and then ran to a collapsing building, she had felt horrible and guilty, yet at the same time, she knew it were true. She couldn't wait for him. How long would she be waiting? How long until Casey stayed around long enough to relearn who she was and how she had changed? She would always be waiting._

_For a marriage._

_For a ring._

_For a family._

_For happiness._

_And Jane didn't want to keep waiting. Sure, Jane had every intention of waiting a while longer before she settled down, but at the same time, she couldn't wait on Casey forever. He kept pushing her away, and it seemed that in order to have anything with him, she'd have to wait until he could walk again, and that was a huge IF._

_But then his legs were fixed and he had come back and been waiting on her outside her apartment. He had smiled that smile and laughed that charming laugh, and she had felt her heart melt. She had remembered all over again the boy, and young man, she had fallen in love with. And even with Maura standing right next to her on that side walk, all she could see was Casey, because he was her first love, and that's who we were meant to be with, right?_

_Jane sighed as she realized how right Maura was. Casey didn't know a single damn thing about her, and she knew nothing about Casey. And she couldn't tell Maura she felt nothing for her, because Jane knew she did, which was why part of her dreaded when Casey came back. There was bound to be an engagement dinner and rehearsals and planning to get to and Jane dreaded all of it. She thought it was because of nerves, but inside she knew that it was because she didn't want to tie herself down and not have a chance to ever be with Maura. Because Maura would always be in her heart, whispering into her soul, saving her when things fell apart, and supporting her when her demons came after her. _

_At least, so she had thought. _

_But Maura had said things would change, and they had. For three weeks, if not more, she and Jane hadn't been anything short of just barely civil to each other, and Jane knew it was mostly her fault. Maura had handed her beautiful words full of emotion and truth, and Jane had basically stomped on it, telling Maura she wasn't enough when that was anything but the truth. Maura was more than enough, and she needed the doctor to know that. She had stood in that morgue and called Maura a bitch, for the second time, and said that this was just some rough patch, when Jane knew it was so much more. It was the beginning of the end, unless she could stop it. _

_As she thought over everything, she heard the familiar Skype call tone, and had looked to see that it was Casey. She ignored it, and when he called her three more times, she ignored it all three times once again. He was a huge part of all this, and she had determined that she was going to spend tonight trying to figure out how to fix things with Maura. Casey would wait just as he had made her wait. Jane Rizzoli had screwed up, and now, now she was determined to fix it, but she was lost as to how to do it._

_So when her phone rang at 2 am, and Maura's beautiful face popped up on the home screen, she had frozen, unsure of what to do. She wanted to answer it, but how could she talk to Maura after the terrible things she had said and done? So she had hesitated. Finally, when she decided to grab the phone, it was too late. She had sighed and called her Ma, begging her mother to please go check on Maura, because knowing that Maura usually got up at 5:30, Jane knew that something wasn't right. When her mother had never called her back, fear gripped at her heart. What if it was serious and she never got the chance to fix the mess she had made? _

_She had grabbed her shoes and jumped in her car and drove, running red lights throughout the city to get to Maura's in record time. She found herself standing outside the Medical Examiner's door, and she could feel the nerves. She needed to do this, but she was scared. She had screwed up so badly that she doubted Maura would even look at her much less give the detective another chance. But Maura had answered, and for the first time in her life, Jane Rizzoli had put her pride to the side. She had apologized to Maura for everything and prayed to every heavenly being she knew that Maura would forgive her. And blessed be the saints, Maura had agreed to try and fix things. Jane had went home, and for the first time in over a month, she had slept remotely soundly, hope for the future a bright, warm light in her heart._

Maura could still picture herself each day, trying to move on, trying to ignore Jane, trying to be cold. But she couldn't keep this up forever, and she knew it. So when Jane had shown up at her door, even though Maura had wanted to slam the door in her face, she hadn't, because as Jane would say, something in her gut told her that for once in her life, to just simply go with it. And ever since, things had been turning around. They weren't back to where they were, but they were getting there. For the first time in weeks Maura went out with the crew for drinks at the robber. She had even sat next to Jane and laughed and joked, feeling almost like herself again. At the end of the night, Jane had drove her home, and when Maura had gotten out of the car, Jane had stopped her at first, looking at her with nerves written across her features and fear of rejection in deep, dark pools.

"_Maura, I need you to know that, I'm still trying to figure this out," Jane told her friend softly. "I know we've been better, but I will fix this, and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't want to kick my own ass for how I treated you. I'm sorry, Maura, and I will say it every day for an eternity if I have to."_

_Maura had sat quietly, looking into Jane's eyes, and she had felt her heart break. It was the same familiar feeling from the night she had went to Jane's apartment in the rain, but before the blow up outside. It was the feeling of knowing Jane was being sincere, but being afraid it meant nothing._

"_I wasn't exactly the best person either, Jane," Maura admitted. "I was cruel with my words and how I said them. I'm sorry."_

"_You don't need to apologize."_

"_I do. Because you were right, too. You were next to me for so long that I thought you would always be there," Maura confessed, "And when it became too late, I panicked, afraid I'd lose you forever. But sometimes," she said, looking into Jane's eyes, "it takes something massive and often painful to push us into action. For me, it was your engagement."_

"_For me, it was you handing my ass to me. Twice."_

_They laughed softly, knowing it was true regardless of the humor behind it. _

"_Yes, that too. But, you hurt me, Jane. You really did. But," Maura sighed. "I hurt you, too. Everything takes place in a moment in a life," she said quietly. "It just depends upon what you do with your moments."_

_Jane looked at her before looking down and taking Maura's hand, smiling softly. "From here on out, I am using my moments to fix this. Because I need my LLBFF," she told the blonde, looking up at her. "Okay?"_

_Maura nodded, tears in her eyes, "Okay."_

So tonight Jane and Maura were both determined to fix things. It was movie night, and even though they were both on call for the weekend, both of them were looking forward to it. It was their first official movie night since things had begun to fall apart. Jane was going to stay at Maura's, albeit in the guest room, and in the morning they would make breakfast and just hang out, trying to see if maybe, just maybe, they could still get along well when left alone for personal interaction.

Driving to Maura's house, Jane felt terrified. They hadn't been alone like this in over a month, more than that if Jane sat and thought about it long enough. At work was one thing, because people were around to help control and defuse the situation if the need arose, but now Jane would be left alone with Maura, two short, angry tempers with half lit fuses left alone. Jane kept chanting her mantra to herself as she drove.

"I will not be an ass tonight. I will not be an ass tonight. I will NOT be an ass hole tonight," she reprimanded herself. "You've hurt her enough, so just shutup, Jane, and enjoy this. You don't have a lot of time, and you have a lot left to figure out."

As Jane pulled up outside of Maura's Beacon Hill home, she parked her car and sat there, the engine humming softly as she lost herself in thought. She gripped the steering wheel, trying to make herself breathe evenly. She felt like this was a make it or break it moment, and that's because she knew it was. Tonight would show whether or not she and Maura could actually be around each other and survive it. She had hurt Maura deeply, and not a day went by that Jane didn't regret it, but apologies and begging weren't enough. She had broken Maura's trust, and that was something she knew would be hard to repair. Tonight she knew they would probably have a conversation that she was dreading, and that in the morning light everything would be different, but they needed this. Jane needed to make things right. So she gathered her courage, took another deep breath, and turned off the engine, climbing out of the car. She approached the front door and stood in the cool, late summer air, hearing the sounds of Boston around her. She swallowed nervously before lifting her hand and knocking on the door, then taking a step back to wait, fidgeting where she stood.

After five minutes Maura came to the door, pausing on the other side of it to gather herself. She didn't know what had led her to trust Jane in this, or to agree to a movie night tonight, but either way Maura couldn't help but let the excitement she felt wash over her. True, underneath all of it there was the hesitation and the tension, the fear that things would never change, the feeling that Jane didn't deserve this at all, but Maura still felt excited and almost happy. Jane would be at her house and even though Maura knew it wouldn't be entirely like the past, it would be so close and familiar that the nerves she had felt all day seemed to subside. She wanted to fix things with Jane, and yes Jane would have to do most of the fixing, but the brunette seemed to be trying in all honesty, and not just by hanging out with Maura. They had talked daily for the past few weeks about everything that had happened, and tonight they were supposed to actually sit down and break down everything that they needed to change. Jane had apologized, yes, but Maura needed her to understand what all was going to change, and why, once Casey came back.

Maura took a deep breath, realizing she was still just standing in front of the door, and reached for the door knob, only to hear Jane's voice from the outside.

"Maura," she said weakly, "If you're over there, can I come in? These bags are kind of heavy."

Maura's brow furrowed in confusion, unsure of what was going on. She quickly opened the door and her mouth fell open slightly at the sight before her before she had to cover her mouth with her free hand, trying not to laugh. Jane stood on the other side of the door way with grocery bags in her arms, filled with various items, and her overnight bag. She also held a gift bag, and she swayed slightly, trying to balance all the items at once.

"Oh! Jane, here, let me help," Maura told her, finally snapping into action and reaching out to take some of the bags.

Jane handed over three bags and kept the rest, unwilling to let Maura carry anything else, and sighed. "Thank you," she said, smiling softly.

Maura blushed at the sincere smile and lowered her gaze, fidgeting for a moment before realizing Jane was still standing outside.

"OH! Uhm, come in. Just, you know where the kitchen is," she murmured, biting her lip.

Jane nodded, "Yeah, I still remember," she said, a small, bashful smile still playing at her lips.

They moved further into the house to the kitchen, setting the bags down. Jane immediately began pulling out items and putting them in their proper places according to how she knew Maura would want them. As she moved, Maura watched, a mix of pride and hurt in her heart. She was proud that Jane felt comfortable enough, even after all they had been through up to this point, to still move freely through her house. The hurt settled in when Maura watched her and felt the familiar longing to see Jane doing this every day for the rest of their lives. How Jane seemed so domestic in this setting, yet brimming with an unbridled energy and confidence that seemed to roll off of her at all times made Maura feel amazed. Being fortunate enough to see a side of Jane that few ever saw made her feel blessed, but tonight it also made her heart skip beats and crack just a little bit more.

"What all did you get?" Maura finally asked quietly, seeing that there was champagne sitting on the counter in one of the bags, the plastic handle having slid and caught around the neck of the bottle.

"Well," Jane began, putting what appeared to be bacon away in a specific area of the fridge that she knew used to be for her, "I figured that since tonight is about fixing things and starting anew, that maybe we could also try something new for dinner. Maybe, you know," she stood and faced Maura, mumbling as she finished with, "start a new tradition."

Maura nodded slightly, looking through the other items. "What did you have in mind?"

"Breakfast for dinner."

Maura raised an eyebrow, "Why?"

Jane shrugged. "I don't know. When we were kids it's just something we did. Whenever Frankie, Tommy and me had a huge fight, Ma would help us and we'd all make breakfast for dinner. It was a way for us to work together. Talk it out. Work past whatever had happened." Jane's eyes fell as she turned the bottle of Triple Sec she had picked up between her hands. She shook her head slightly to herself. "This was a dumb idea," she mumbled. "We can just get take out or something. I'm sorry, Maura."

Maura listened to Jane ramble for a moment, thinking over what Jane had just said. This was obviously a tradition that meant a lot to the woman standing in front of Maura, babbling on like a nervous teenager. Though this wasn't a logical thing, Maura knew that it was Jane's way of furthering her attempts to fix things as well as give them both a comfortable environment in which to talk and dissect what was going on between them. The thought was behind the action, the intentions seemed to be pure, and Maura smiled softly as she pictured a little Jane fixing dinner with her Ma, Tommy, and Frankie.

"Jane," Maura said softly, cutting off the other woman's ramblings. "That sounds lovely."

Jane swallowed nervously, setting down the Triple Sec on the counter and gripping the granite top with both hands. She looked up at Maura, nervous tears shining in her eyes.

"Do you feel like we're walking on egg shells?"

"I do," Maura confirmed, leaning forward a bit and resting her arms on the counter.

"Okay, I can't handle feeling that way all night."

"Well, how about this," Maura proposed, "How about we go ahead and say whatever could possibly ruin this evening right now?"

Jane raised an eyebrow. "You mean go ahead and just rip each other a new one?"

Maura shrugged. "If you want to call it that, sure."

"And what if that ruins the night anyway?"

"At least we get to end it before it could possibly become more awkward."

Jane sighed, shaking her head as she looked at Maura. "You are one of a kind, you know that?"

"Yes, but we all are. There is no one like any of us in the universe, unless we were to be identical twins, which have identical traits, looks, characteristics, and DNA. Though there are those who believe that we all have a twin somewhere in the world, whether they look like us or act like us or both," Maura fired off.

Jane smiled, her nerves easing a bit at the typical Maura response. "I still kind of love that you know things like that."

Maura blushed. "Well, I still kind of love that you love that I know that."

They shared a nervous, awkward laugh before the air fell silent, an almost tangible level of tension and nerves settling in the shared air. Maura picked at the material of her long sleeve sweater as Jane stared at the counter top, suddenly very interested in the patterns in the granite. They waited a few more minutes, and just when Maura thought she would have to start, Jane spoke, her voice quiet and rougher than it usually was, but as serious as ever.

"I had no right to treat you the way I did," she admitted, the words sitting like bile in her throat. "I hate admitting when I'm wrong. But I am and I was and I'm sorry."

"You're right," Maura told her. "You didn't have any right to treat me that way, or speak to me the way you did."

"I know. But," Jane paused, looking up at Maura, "You had no right to treat me the way you did."

"And exactly what part was I wrong on?"

"The part where you decided to suddenly become the opposite of the person you usually are and start screaming at me!" Jane told her, talking with her hands. "You went off on me after dropping news on me that completely blindsided me."

"Can you really stand here and tell me that I wasn't right about the things I said? Or that this blindsided you? Can you honestly tell me that you never expected that I may feel something stronger than just a friendship for you?" Maura asked, her tone calm yet serious and unemotional. "Can you look me in the eye, without looking away, and tell me that you never once expected that I may feel something for you?"

Jane remained silent, her eyes glued to the counter in front of her once more. Maura continued.

"Every time I watched Casey walk away from you, I sat there and put everything I felt for you aside to put you back together, because you have always put me back together. I watched and waited and after time had passed, you were you again. Each time he left, the time needed for you to recuperate became shorter and shorter. I thought maybe that was you giving up and letting go of him. Letting him stay in the past. Each time I was wrong, and each time I felt my hope for something to happen between us slip away just that much more. I tried for so long to show you and tell you in any way that I could how I felt for you, and you either were that oblivious or just chose to ignore it. And to be quite honest," Maura's voice softened as she murmured, "I'm not sure which one hurt more. Being invisible to you, or knowing you just didn't care."

"That's wrong," Jane snapped quickly, looking up to Maura, the blonde woman startled slightly by Jane's tone and the fierce gaze in her eyes. "There was never a time where I didn't care or where you were invisible to me. Never. "

"Then why have you never seen the signs or picked up on anything?"

"Maura, maybe I did and just wanted you to actually say something to me," Jane told her, emphasizing the action word that she would have preferred much more than just signs and gentle nudges. "You keep pointing out how I never said anything. What about you?" Jane asked, genuinely curious. "What about you?"

Maura sighed and bit her lip, running her fingertips over the counter in front of her. She swallowed thickly, remaining silent. Jane watched the woman and could see the nerves and fear on her face. She watched Maura fidget and then shift uncomfortably in her chair as she uncrossed her legs, only to recross them a moment later in the opposite way as before. Maura kept dragging her fingers over the counter, tapping out a beat only she knew. She stayed silent for many moments, Jane wondering if she were ever going to speak. She reached out and placed a hand over Maura's, watching as the blonde froze and became tense at the contact. Jane swallowed nervously and picked one of Maura's hands up with her free hand, her left hand, the small, porcelain palm cold and trembling. She smiled softly as she took Maura's hand and traced patterns on the back of it. Maura couldn't help the way her gaze fell out of reflex to Jane's left hand. She looked not at the scar as everyone else did, but at her finger, trying to see if the golden band lingered there. She saw nothing but bare skin and evidence that Jane hadn't worn that ring in months. She stared, unsure of what that meant, trying and failing to find words to say to break the uncomfortable silence. Jane finally did it for her.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" Jane asked quietly. "Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine." She brought her eyes up to Maura's and found fearful and tentative hazel staring back at her. "This isn't the time to be scared, Maura," Jane told her quietly. "But if it helps any, I'm terrified here. I have ruined the best friendship, the best relationship with any human being, that I have ever had, because I made a choice that I thought was best for me."

"It isn't the best anymore?"

Jane shook her head slightly, "I don't know. It doesn't feel like it. But then again, it never actually felt…right."

Maura took in Jane's words and chewed the edge of her lip out of worry before she eased her hand out from between Jane's. The brunette dropped her hands, blushing at having been caught holding on to Maura's hand.

"I just can't think straight with you doing that," Maura told her truthfully, her voice low as if sharing a secret. "I am a woman of logic. Everything, and I mean absolutely everything, is definable and understandable using logic and sound reasoning and science. There are studies to prove everything I believe and support and consider to be true. But," she paused, taking a shakey breathe, "There is no logic or reasoning or science for this."

"For what?"

"For how I feel around you. For how I have always felt around you," the Medical Examiner confessed quietly.

"I don't understand. You were with Ian and Garret and you've been in love before," Jane told her, confused, "how is this different?"

"Ian and Garret were what I was supposed to want. Garret was a Fairfield. He was sweet and romantic and charming. He was upper class and my parents loved him, and to be quite honest, yes, I loved him. Ian was giving and caring and sweet and doing something to change the world. They were caring and loving and everything a woman should want. Everything that, once upon a time, I thought I wanted. But things change," she whispered quietly, "and for me, change is terrifying."

"What changed?"

"I met you," Maura told her honestly, looking up and into Jane's eyes with a sincerity that made the brunette's heart break. "I met you and you were everything that I'm not; everything that Ian and Garret aren't and weren't and never can nor could be."

"A woman?"

Maura scoffed sadly, "More than that. You have always been the same person, regardless of who you are around. How you act around me is no different than how you act when I beg you to dress up and go out with me. You still fight with a passion even if it's just a simple debate and you refuse to bend and submit to anyone else's will or view if you think they're wrong. You stay constant. They didn't. They were on the same page as whoever had the same beliefs as them or the most money in the room. They never had a back bone. You," she paused, trying to gather her thoughts. "Since I have met you, you have always been the same. So stubborn and relentless and unwavering. You know who you are and where you're from, and you don't hide it for anything or anyone. You're so unnerving and infuriating sometimes that it's maddening, but it's only because you refuse to be something you aren't. You love unconditionally and protect without a second thought to the danger put forth towards yourself. You almost died for me. More than once." She sniffled as she paused, her gaze now once again on the counter in front of her. "They would never have done that in a million years."

Jane took Maura in and saw how each word was chosen with care, woven into a pattern to paint a picture of pure love and trust that the blonde had never been able to show before.

"Everyone else in my life who has ever claimed to love me has walked away from me. My own parents, biological and adoptive, haven't even stuck around for me. But you," Maura shook her head. "Dammit Jane, you were just always there. Always. To you I wasn't weird or strange or wordy or…or any of the terrible things people have considered me. To you I was just Maura, and you loved me and cared about me because of that."

"I still don't understand why you never said anything."

"Because if I fell in love with you, all of that would go away," Maura told her. "If I loved you and you didn't love me back or didn't feel comfortable with how I felt for you, then you would leave me, too. Besides Bass, you are the best thing I have ever had in my life. I didn't want to lose that. I still don't."

"So you thought that by not saying anything, you could keep me around longer?"

Maura shrugged. "Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Why?"

"Because the initial reaction of most women or men who are heterosexual to the affection or attention of a person of the same sex is generally disgust or fear or discomfort. If those things had happened, I lost you, Jane. I mean, let's be honest, you and sincere, deep, emotional revelations don't exactly go hand in hand. Especially if it's a topic such as another woman wanting you. I remember the Merch case, I was there. I remember how you reacted to the simple thought of being on that dating website, or going into that building. What else was I supposed to think?"

Jane sighed, knowing Maura was right. She had hated the feeling and thought of being thought to be gay. It was everything she had ever been told was wrong for most of her life growing up. Not that her parents were anti-gays or anything, they just didn't want that to be their children. She was in an Italian-American family. She was supposed to marry a great man and have kids and an amazing life. But deep down Jane had always known that that wasn't who she was. To this day it still wasn't. But Casey had given her hope. He loved her and cared about her and he loved his job, so surely he would understand the fact that she didn't want to settle down yet. But apparently that hadn't been as true as she had thought it would be. And apparently, as she had been seeing for a while now, she wasn't as in love with Casey as she thought.

"Casey was supposed to change everything. He was supposed to be my first and only love, you know?" Jane asked, shrugging and blushing slightly. "Guess that isn't the case."

"He isn't your only love, or he wasn't your first?"

Jane sighed. "I guess if I'm being honest, he wasn't either of those things. Before Casey there was a person that I thought I was in love with. But then I met Casey and it was so different. Even now, sometimes, it's still different. He's charming and sweet and everything that every woman is supposed to want."

"Including you?"

"Yeah, including me."

"So how does that affect us?"

"Because you changed everything. Because I met you and I got to know you and you turned out to be all the things I thought you weren't, and all the things I already knew you were."

"How does that have anything to do with you not telling me how you felt?"

"Because I was never supposed to love you, Maura," Jane blurted out, frustrated that she couldn't explain her thoughts more clearly than she was now. "Because being with you would make everything anyone had ever thought about be to be true. Every joke from Crowe, every whispered word behind my back, every sermon which led to my Ma's interrogations when I was a teenager, it would make all of it true. I have fought for so long to prove that I am not all of those things. I have spent so long," Jane paused, sighing as she gripped the counter with her hands. "I have spent so long being afraid of those things being right, of people finding out, of not being enough for my family because I'm not the utterly straight housewife I'm supposed to be, that I just began to not feel anything at all. But then there was you. And you just..changed everything. I felt things. I wanted things. And then Casey came back and it was like two halves of me trying to kill each other. That's why I never told you. Because I can't figure myself out, Maura. Because I don't know who I am or what I want anymore."

Jane looked up and into hazel that shined with tears. She looked into Maura's eyes and she felt so much pain and remorse at all the things that had happened as of recent and for everything that had led to this moment. She felt guilty because it was her own issues with herself and accepting who she was that had started this, created a snowball effect as the huge mass of problems just kept mounting and turning from one thing into another. She swallowed around the lump in her throat as she held Maura's gaze, her hands shaking where they gripped the edge of the marble counter. When she spoke, her words were quiet, almost as if afraid to shatter the silence that had fallen around them. It was as if Jane kept her words quiet so that not even God could hear her, just Maura, the only person who currently needed to hear her.

"I told you I would talk to Casey when he got back, and I fully intend to. Not only because of us, whatever it is I feel for you, but because I owe that much to Casey. If I am going to wind up breaking his heart, I feel like he should get a warning first and at least a chance to plead his case. But for tonight, please, just for one night, this night, can we just...be?" she asked softly, pleading with her eyes. "For tonight I just want us to be Jane and Maura. LLBFF's. No Casey. No argument. No dates. Nothing. Just us. For tonight, I want to see, and I want to remember, what it felt like to just be us. We haven't been that way since I got engaged. For tonight, I need," he paused, "we need, both of us, to just be us. Do you trust me?"

Maura kept her gaze locked with Jane's, considering the weight of that question. Did she trust Jane? Did she trust Jane to follow through on everything she said? To talk to Casey? To not leave her waiting?

"Jane,I need you to understand that I cannot keep waiting forever," she murmured quietly. "I can't keep waiting and hoping that you have a change of heart and decide to be mine. I need you to be upfront and honest with me." She swallowed thickly and licked her dry lips, feeling her heart hammering in her chest. "Do I even stand a chance?"

Jane felt her stomach twist into knots at Maura's question. She didn't know what to say. She knew what she wanted to say. She wanted to say yes. To tell Maura that she did have a chance. To beg her best friend not to give up on her. To give her time. Give her a chance. But it wasn't fair to keep asking that of Maura, and Jane knew it. She couldn't keep Maura waiting. She couldn't keep making excuses. She was standing at a fork in the road, and she needed to pick a way to go.

"I," Jane paused and swallowed thickly, "I don't know what to say."

"The truth," Maura snapped. "Please. Just...telll me the truth."

Jane sighed, "Maura, I don't know how to answer that. I mean, yes, you do stand a chance. You always have. But Casey isn't even home. I need to talk to him. To work things out. To figure out what I need and what I want. Just...please."

"So is that a yes?"

"I don't know."

"If Casey were here right now, would you go talk to him?" Maura asked. "Would you tell him everything you've told me? About how you feel about your relationship with him? About how you feel towards me? About how things have changed? Or would you go back to him and walk away from me again?"

"I wouldn't just walk away from you."

"But you wouldn't go straight to talk to him."

"Maura, I don't know. I want to say yes, that I would talk to him. That I would explain everything. Come clean about everything. But I honestly don't know. Look, I know I have not given you any reason what so ever to trust me, much less believe me when I say that you still have a chance, but I need you to trust me? Okay? Please? Will you please do this for me?"

Maura remained silent, taking in Jane's pleading expression, and sighed quietly, reaching out and picking up the bottle of champagne. "I should chill this until we need it. Start setting things up to make dinner," she told Jane quietly, smiling half heartedly as she stood up and turned away from Jane, hiding the tears in her eyes and the look of hope being denied upon her face.


	12. Jane's Moment of Clarity

Therapy XI: Jane's Moment of Clarity; Or, I Don't Want Just One Night

A/N: Still don't own it. Continuing movie night here.

* * *

Jane stood at the counter cutting up fruit. She knew Maura had to have fruit with her breakfast, it was a cute quirk she had come to love about the blonde over the years. She smiled softly to herself as she thought back to many a morning spent with Maura in this very kitchen, eating bowls of cereal at the counter as they laughed and talked about everything. She had always loved being fortunate enough to see Maura first thing in the morning before the makeup went on and the veil of perfection went up. Not that Maura wasn't naturally perfect. It was just that Jane found Maura's perfection to be more upfront when Maura was simply Maura. When freckles could be seen on pale cheeks and hazel eyes lit up with a bright, natural light. How long lashes were naturally curly and lips were pale pink and plump without a gloss. She loved the simplicity that was Maura Isles before the glamour. She loved seeing the natural blush on beautiful, soft cheek bones and the beautiful shape of naturally big, curious eyes.

As Jane cut up chunks of watermelon into smaller pieces, she chewed on the edge of her lip, pondering Maura's question. If Casey were here right now, what would she do? Would she really talk to him and tell him everything? Would she confess how kissing Maura for the first time ever, and for just a few seconds, had stopped her heart in the most magnificent way that kissing Casey never had? Would she tell him how she didn't think she could marry him anymore, because she hadn't ever actually been ready to since the beginning? Would she tell him that her heart wasn't his, because she had given it away to Maura long ago when he had left her time and time again? She sighed and felt tears prick her eyes as she blinked them away as she realized her answer; she would.

It would hurt. It was going to hurt when she finally did it after Casey came home. She knew that. She knew that it was going to be a bitter sweet pain she had never experienced before. She knew that her heart was going to hurt in a place that had never hurt before because Casey was in there, stored deep down and away like a buried secret from long ago. But she also knew that the pain she would feel over Casey was nothing compared to the sharp sting she felt just looking at Maura and knowing that she was losing her, even now. By being honest with herself and with Casey over who she had become, over who she had discovered she was, she could finally set herself free.

As she thought she felt her frustrations grow, her jaw clenching as she began cutting faster, her hands moving so quickly that the muscles in them began to hurt. She could feel angry tears in her eyes as she felt the rage she had been keeping inside and directed towards herself begin to come out. She suddenly stopped, throwing the knife on the counter as she slammed her free hand down hard, slamming her eyes shut. She gave herself a second to calm down before she opened deep, dark pools. She breathed deeply through her nose, looking at the cabinets in front of her as she realized that in this moment, she had made her decision. She had just began tearing down one of her biggest walls holding her back by blowing a huge hole in the center of it. Because in this moment, she had just realized who she was, and who she wanted to be, and for this moment, she was at peace with it.

She was Detective Jane Clementine Rizzoli, decorated officer of the BPD, youngest and only female detective in homicide. She was kind and caring and strong willed and determined. She was someone that absolutely no one had the guts to piss off. Most importantly, she was Jane Rizzoli, woman who had fallen in love with Maura Isles. That did not make her the horrible things that she thought everyone would call her. Wanting to be with Maura did not make her a disappointment or a leper or a dyke. It didn't mean she got special treatment or that anyone looked at her differently. It merely meant that she was in love with the most amazing individual she had ever met, and that person just so happened to be another woman.

Jane couldn't just deny herself the truth anymore, just as she couldn't keep denying it to Maura. Because the truth was that she had long ago stopped looking at Casey in the way a woman who was in love with a man should. She couldn't stand being around him for more than a few days at a time, and on most days even that was pushing it. She didn't want to be in a home with Casey watching him cook and clean and smile that charming smile. She wanted those things with Maura. She wanted to cook dinner with Maura and have Maura in her home, as domesticated as can be, ever day. Because domesticated Maura was still her Maura, and domesticated Maura made her want to be domesticated Jane. Domesticated Casey just made Jane shudder.

As she followed that train of thought she couldn't help but feel guilty for setting what was a double standard. It wasn't that she had a problem with Casey being domestic, it was just that everything seemed different with Maura. When Maura did those things, she wasn't doing it because she felt that her place was to take care of Jane. Maura did those things because she loved Jane and could make them fun. At the end of the day Maura knew Jane was still headstrong and confident and perfectly capable of handling herself and her own issues.

Jane sighed. This was a bigger mess than it had been just ten minutes ago, yet a small part of herself felt at peace. Because Jane had just realized that being in love with a woman, that being gay, made her no different than the Jane she had been just fifteen minutes ago. She was still the same Jane Rizzoli who put friends and family first. Who lover her job. Who would give Rondo the shirt off her back if it would help him. Who she loved did not define her. It was how she loved that person, and how she loved herself. As Jane allowed herself to just accept her answer for a moment, she smiled softly to herself. She was going to be okay. She could fix this. She had fucked it up long ago, but now, in this moment, she felt the courage and the strength to set everything right, all because she had endured a moment of clarity while cutting up the fruit for Maura's breakfast plate.

From behind her the small, curvy figure of Maura watched Jane, feeling the inner struggle radiate from the brunette. And then suddenly, she saw Jane's shoulders drop. She heard Jane let out a small, almost silent laugh. She felt a stillness in the room and something shifted in that single moment. In this moment in a life, she knew that Jane had just discovered something about herself, and Maura couldn't help but smile a little. Jane was always so hard headed and stubborn. So determined to prove everyone wrong. It was encouraging to see Jane, even if for just a moment, calm down and allow herself to be Jane.

"I would," Jane said softly, picking up the knife with a shaking hand as she went back to cutting up fruit.

"What?" Maura asked, confused, as she pushed off the counter she had been leaning against and walked towards Jane.

"I would talk to him."

Maura froze, unsure of what to say. "What?"

"I would talk to Casey if he were home right now," Jane repeated for clarification, still not looking up from where she cut up fruit.

"Why?"

"Because," Jane answered, "Things have changed. I've changed."

"What has changed?"

Jane remained silent for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain to Maura everything she couldn't find the words to explain to herself. As she cut up fruit, she glanced at the fridge.

"Will you get the bacon out?" She asked, nodding towards the refrigerator.

"What? Oh, yes, of course."

Maura walked over and opened the door, bending down and looking through the drawer she had opened as she pulled out the pack of bacon. She straightened up and shut the door, going to the island and setting the pack down on a cutting board as she opened a drawer, looking for a pair of scissors to open the plastic with. The entire time she was unaware that Jane had stopped cutting fruit and was watching her. When Maura finally found the scissors and turned around, she jumped at the sight of Jane standing much closer than she had been, looking at her with dark eyes. For the first time in their friendship, Maura couldn't tell what the look in those chocolate orbs meant. She'd seen it before, but not like this. It was dark and intense and deep. It probed deep into her soul and searched for every fear, every nightmare, every sweet dream, every hope, every secret that Maura Isles could possibly have, and though it should have unnerved her, it didn't. She gulped slightly, suddenly feeling her palms sweat and her heart rate quicken at the woman standing before her.

"Jane?" she asked quietly, unsure of where this was going.

"I changed," Jane answered her quietly, her gravelly voice lower in timber than Maura had ever remembered, a sense of freedom and pain all tangled up into one sound. "I have changed so much, and the only person who saw it, the only person I have ever wanted or needed to see it, is you," Jane confessed quietly. "You may listen to my excuses and find them just that, Maur, but it's me. It's what I'm afraid of. And to be honest," she paused, clenching her jaw, "I don't want to be afraid anymore."

"What are you afraid of?" Maura asked quietly.

"For the longest time I didn't feel anything for anyone. When I was in school and everyone I knew went boy crazy, I didn't. When I was just finishing fifth grade, Ma was in the car with me one day, and she was talking about all my friends. How they were crushing on guys and begging to go on dates. She asked me why I wasn't doing the same thing. I told her because I didn't like anyone. I didn't want to go on a date with any of them. Do you want to know what she asked me?" Jane asked Maura softly.

Maura hesitated before nodding, already having an idea of where this was going.

"Ma turned and looked at me as soon as she came to a red light and asked me if I even liked boys," Jane told the blonde, a small smirk playing at the corner of her mouth. "I was in fifth grade. I didn't even know what the hell gay was. But there was Ma, asking me if I was or not."

"What'd you say?"

"I told her I did, but I just didn't want to date."

"Surely she had to be okay with that? You were in fifth grade."

"She was, for the time being," Jane confirmed. "But soon fifth grade turned into middle school and that turned into high school, and things hadn't changed."

"Did your Mom ask anymore?"

"She tried to subtly, but subtle isn't exactly Ma's style," Jane told Maura, laughing slightly. "Finally I told her flat out one day that I wasn't gay."

"What'd she say?"

"She believed it."

"But?"

Jane took a deep breath, her eyes dropping for a moment before she met Maura's gaze once more. "I wasn't so sure anymore. A lot of people I knew were, but that was them. I still didn't feel anything for anyone, so I just accepted it as I didn't feel anything for either side of the field. But then I started realizing that when Frankie would talk about how attractive he found Angelina Jolie, I would want to talk about how hot I found her, too."

"Jane, there's a drastic difference between having a girl crush on a celebrity and defining your sexuality."

"I thought the same thing. Until I met her," Jane said quietly.

"Who was her?" Maura asked after a moment, her voice soft as she watched Jane's features soften and a small smile spread across her face.

"Her name was Jessie," the detective confessed, her voice barely audible. "I was a junior in high school. I was seventeen. She was in her early twenties. She was…amazing. She was everything I had always wanted and for the longest time, I was terrified of that."

"Why?"

"Because she was a woman. She was another female. Because I actually felt something for someone."

"What happened?" Maura asked curiously.

"We dated for about six months before she broke up with me."

"Jane, I'm sorry," Maura apologized.

Jane shrugged. "I am, too. She broke up with me because I was being stupid. I wouldn't tell anyone at all about us. In the course of six months, I told one person, and that was it. I hid it. I didn't want anyone to know. Naturally, she thought I was ashamed of her."

"Were you?"

"God no," Jane laughed softly. "Not at all. She was amazing. I was just," she paused, looking for the right word, "scared. I was scared of what this meant, being in love with her. I may have only been seventeen, but I was just as selective and deliberate with my actions as I am now. I fell so hard, but the harder I fell for her, the scarier everything got. So we started arguing more and we both became miserable and she ended it," Jane finished quickly. "After her there was one more girl, but the same thing happened. So I just gave up. That is until, well, you know."

"Until Casey," Maura mumbled softly.

Jane nodded, "Yeah. He was handsome and charming and I felt things for him I had for Jessie and I thought maybe it would work. And then we grew up and he left and while he was gone I realized that if I could stand being that far away from him all the time with no remorse, no pain, then obviously it wasn't the same thing."

"Then why keep trying?" Maura asked.

"Same reason you kept trying with Ian," Jane told her. "I thought I was in love with him. He was supposed to be the one. He made me stop…questioning everything about who I was. Everyone liked him, and they liked me being with him. It was easy. Then over time it just became easy to fake it," Jane told her buntly, shaking her head at herself. "I said yes to Casey because I thought that having the wedding and the ring and all of those things would help me be okay. I still love Casey, I do, but it isn't the same. Not as it was before, and it was never the same was with anyone else I have ever cared for. Being with Casey wasn't that scary. Not until you," Jane admitted, looking straight into Maura's eyes. "Meeting you, being around you, going through everything with you, with you by my side," she paused, "falling in love with you," she murmured, "it changed absolutely everything."

Maura looked at Jane, confusion still written in hazel eyes and in the lines above a furrowed brow.

"I fell in love with you, Maur," Jane told her, her gaze unwavering. "I fell so hard and so fast and it stayed that way for so long that when Casey came back it was like being caught between two halves of me. But you always seemed so far out of reach that I didn't think I had a chance, even when I could see that maybe, just maybe, you wanted me, too. Being with you opens a lot of doors for me, and some of them I have been too afraid to go through. But not anymore."

Jane swallowed thickly, talking with her hands as her energy level grew.

"I am so sick of being afraid of people judging me and what my family would say and how it would look as far as my career. I have spent so much of my life keeping quiet and hoping it would go away," Jane exclaimed, "but it hasn't and it won't ever go away. And that, that is why if Casey were home right now, why when he gets here, I plan on talking to him, because I need him to see that we aren't the same people anymore, and that I've grown up."

Maura listened to Jane, watched her actions as she spoke, and finally almost everything made complete sense. Maura knew from a statistic stand point what Jane was going through and why. But now, hearing it directly from Jane, it made everything so much more real. Jane Rizzoli was feeling guilty. For not loving the person she was "supposed to," for loving someone she "shouldn't," and for thing that it didn't even make sense for her to feel guilty for. Jane was scared and guilt ridden and she had been for most of her life. For Maura, her parents were open, her sexuality fluid, her few close friends she had accepting. But for Jane? Jane had always been the tom boy to those around her. Always edgy even when feminine, playing sports and chasing perps, intellectually smart and sharp personality wise. She was everything a woman was supposed to be, and everything a woman shouldn't be, all in one. Her family had always known, but to Jane, all she had ever seen and expected from them was disappointment and anger. So now, most of this huge mess, made sense.

Maura sighed softly, wrapping her arms around herself and rubbing her upper arms, nerves low in her stomach.

"I understand what you're saying. It does not fully excuse everything that has happened, Jane," she told the brunette. "Eventually you're going to have to just admit that you screwed up," Maura snapped, "But, I do understand. And I hope that you're coming to terms with yourself."

"I am. Slowly."

"Don't move too slow," Maura told her. "The next few weeks will go by faster than you think."

Jane nodded, "I know."

Maura bit her lip, making a decision. "One night?"

Jane looked up, slightly shocked at first before recovering. "Yeah, one night."

"And what if at the end of it I want more than one?"

"I'm asking myself the same question," Jane told her truthfully. "I don't want us to do anything we wouldn't normally do. I don't want us to sleep together or anything, I just want us to be…us. I figure anything else will fall into place."

"And what if those pieces fall into place permanently?"

"Then it should be an interesting six weeks ahead, don't you think?"

"Should be interesting anyway," Maura said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, but anything else takes it to a Jerry Springer level of interesting."

"Jerry what?"

Jane laughed softly, "Nothing, Maur. So, hungry?"

A/N: People keep saying Jane is breaking Maura's heart. You're all right, she is. But people who break the hearts of others, often have a broken one themselves. I relate to Jane more than you guys know here. I see both halves of the coin. Jane's getting there. Remember, RIZZLES. ;)


End file.
